Memory Lane...

So right now we are kind of all over our home state of Kansas. We have family we are seeing/helping in multiple cities. As some of you know, my grandmother passed away in March. This is my first trip back home since, as we were unable to make it up for the funeral. Given that we aren't sure what the plan is with her home yet, I wanted to make one more trip to walk through it, breathing in the familiar smells, reminiscing days past and trying to permanently etch it forever in my memory.

Grandma's house...nearly every year of my life for the last 40 years, I've spent time here.

The fountain in the town square

The building with our family name (Mater) at the top.

My grandpa's workshop in their basement...almost exactly as he left it 37 years ago...my absolute favorite place in the whole house. I loved him so.

A painting my great great Aunt made in 1911

I also had the chance to visit one of 3 places I consider my "hometown". I grew up in 3 different towns within a 20 mile radius of each other, so a piece of my childhood remains in each. This trip, I took time to go back to where my daddy had lived, and decided to get some pictures to help solidify my memories of this place as well. So many memories...so many years ago...

Main Street U.S.A. in Peabody, KS. I love this little town!

Just the BEST little diner in all of Kansas...and just so happens to be owned & operated by my cousin, Tim!

The last house my daddy lived in. He affectionately painted it in Red, White, Blue & Brown, in his words, "the Red, White & Blue for the USA and the Brown to represent his opinion of the government." LOL. Oh how I miss you Daddy!!

The first house we lived in when we moved to Peabody when I was just 5 years old.

It's hard to see but just past that tree line, in the middle of the picture, is what's left of the house my daddy built. He lost it after my parents' divorce and the new owner let it fall into disrepair. Oh what I'd give to return it to its original glory for a new family to enjoy. My absolute BEST childhood memories were made in that house and on that 20 acres!
What used to be my great grandmother's house where my daddy spent many of his own childhood days, also in Peabody, KS.

The city pool in Peabody where I spent most of my summer days growing up.

The Coneburg Inn...just the neatest little restaurant/bar where daddy would take us to play pool.


Much of my childhood was wrought with struggle and sadness...a life as a child of divorce. And yet...when my heart comes home to these places, the only things I remember are the laughter, the happiness, the fond memories of a child well-loved, cherished...a childhood that makes me miss "the good ole days" yet look forward to all of the memories I'm creating now, as an adult, with my own kids.

Another age-order pic with more cousins!

And of course, Jake wanted to get a planking pic in for his dad!


It's...interesting...looking back, down memory lane. So many things I miss, PEOPLE that I miss. So many things I wish I would've paid more attention to, spent more time on. And yet, in all honesty, if given the chance, I don't think I'd change a single thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'd give anything....anything at all....for one more hour, one more day, with my daddy. But all in all, the older I get, the more I come to realize, God knows exactly what He's doing on this crazy ride called life. And His plans are always, ALWAYS better than mine...

Everything Changes

I AM SO EXCITED!!! After WEEKS of remaining silent, and let's be honest, we all know how hard that is for ME, I can finally share some of the crazy that's been happening around here!

As I've mentioned before, we decided a while back to change how we live life. We want to be more intentional with our time, with our resources, with all that we have at our disposal. We are minimizing the amount of "stuff" we have in our home, to free up more time and energy for things that we love, things that matter. We are focusing intentional time on our health...choosing to be more aware of the things that go in and on our bodies, whether that's food, household products, you name it. We are choosing not to buy THINGS as gifts, but attempting to participate in more EXPERIENCES...things that will leave memories for a lifetime. We simply want to do the very best with what we have been given.

In contemplating and praying over these areas of our lives, a big hurdle is time. Obviously everyone has the same amount of time available, so it boils down to how you choose to spend it. For most people, a big chunk of their time is spent at their job. When we moved down here, we did so because Sean agreed to take a position overseeing operations for an entire plant. That position, in and of itself, required a LOT of time...both in and out of the office. So when we considered changes that we could make, one area was his line of work.

It's difficult to make career changes when you've been with the same company for a number of years. You know the people, the process, the expectations, the environment...most of which you grow attached to over time. You find a routine. So when considering change, all that is up in the air. It's not just moving to a different company or a different career. It's changing location, co-workers, environment and everything familiar. It may be for the best, but it is far from simple.

Based on the direction of our family priorities, Sean will be changing careers at the end of the month! He has accepted a position at USAA, which if you know anything about USAA you know how difficult it is to get in, so we are SO PROUD and SO EXCITED for him!! This is a HUGE blessing that will allow him more time off, more flexibility (he can work from home if he wants to!!), and an amazing work environment where the entire focus of the company is "We know what it means to serve". Can you say RIGHT IN LINE with our changes in priority?!

And because we have a rare opportunity here between his last day at his current position and his start date at his new position, we decided we are taking an adventure!! We will be taking a family road trip for a few weeks that will cover thousands of miles and some amazing sites! I will be blogging while we are gone, sharing about our trip at different stops and we invite you to tag along! Just counting down the days to the first of a number of changes for our family!!

Adventure awaits!

It's The Little Things

So from time to time, little things remind me of my daddy. Sometimes they make my heart ache...a physical, painful ache that leaves me needing to put my hand over my heart and just weep. They are difficult, sometimes random, but I know they are completely normal and I believe they are gradually healing my heart.

For example, one that I was not expecting at all: the end of the military honors portion of daddy's graveside service. I thought at this point I was all ugly-cried out. I mean, I knew more tears would come, but I thought, at least for the day, that my ugly cries were behind me. As we drove into the cemetery, the Air Force Servicemen were already there. As daddy's casket arrived in the hearse, they stood at attention and slowly saluted. It was so beautiful. I cried some there, but not the ugly cry...yet. Then they stood at attention as daddy's pastor spoke. They began to fold the flag--such a beautiful, silent scene as they treated the flag, and daddy's casket with the utmost care. They played Taps, which was hard to listen to and made tears fall again. And then it happened. I knew it was coming. My brothers had decided that, with me being the oldest and the only girl, the flag should be presented to me. I knew that would be hard. What I didn't expect was HOW they would present it.

The Airman turned toward me where I sat, got down on one knee, placed the flag in my hand and gently but firmly held his hands over mine on the top and bottom of the folded flag. He then, looking me straight in the eye without flinching at all, said the following:

"On behalf of the President of the United States, and a grateful nation, we thank you for the service of your loved one..."

I barely heard the rest. I have no idea how he held it together. My face was contorted in an attempt to keep from wailing as the tears streamed down my face and sobs wracked my body, causing my chest and shoulders to convulse. It was so incredibly beautiful. There are no other words. It was a moment I will never forget...

There are other things though, that make me smile and some even make me laugh out loud. Like the day I saw a Model A or Model T (Daddy would've known which one it was) as I was leaving our neighborhood. He always loved those things. Or before daddy's funeral when I was on the phone with the VA discussing his military benefits. One of the things they said we would receive was a Certificate of Honorable Service (or something like that). I was about to start crying on the phone as the lady was saying this until she uttered the words..."signed by the President himself"...at which point it was all I could do not to die laughing.

If you knew my father at all, you understand why this would be so funny. As some of you don't, let me enlighten you. My father was an American Patriot through and through. He loved his country. He believed in it's Constitution and the freedom so many have fought and died for. But, like most Americans at different times, he didn't care at all for the current President. We've all been there--no matter what your party affiliate.  So I'm sure you can see the humor I found in the fact that the last presentation for his honor will be signed by a president he didn't like. LOL. I could almost hear him laughing with me. It was good to laugh.

All this to say, I find myself noticing, not the big things--although they are equally as good--but the little things. The daily things that make me smile or cry, that make me miss him, want to call or text him. It's all still very surreal, even now. It's been nearly 2 months and sometimes I find I have to remind myself that he's gone. Other times I find my heart aches all day long. But God is good. I know this full well. So for now I enjoy the little things that stir my heart, knowing that whether they bring smiles or tears, they ultimately also bring healing.

Lifelong Dream--Check

There are times in our lives when we allow ourselves to dream. I don't mean the daily, little dreams. I mean the big, chance-of-a-lifetime dreams. You know, just like the ones you have as a kid, when you're innocent enough to believe the sky is the limit--the time before "life" has happened, has changed you and your dreams. All too often as adults, I believe, we fail to dream that way. We let our circumstances determine our future instead of the other way around. We allow ourselves to settle, to accept that this is our lot in life, that big dreams and big opportunities are only for other people.

But sometimes, dreams creep in and firmly take hold in the back of our minds. Sometimes, when we are honest with ourselves, we allow those dreams to come out of the recesses of our souls. We allow them to dance and play in our hearts. We allow ourselves to dream as a child once again. I believe it is in those rare moments that we are truly our REAL selves. And sometimes, we are blessed enough to see those dreams become a reality.

This last weekend was one of those times for my husband. A number of years ago, he took an interest in learning to play poker. It's a hobby of his, just like playing golf. And he's gotten really good at it. I'm always amazed at how quickly he can calculate his odds, figure out the number of "outs" he has, the "pot" ratios and make a move in any given hand. Meanwhile (if I'm playing too which is rare, as I'm NOT as skilled, LOL) I'm still trying to figure out what I even have and if it's a "good" hand or not! My husband has even, in more recent years, formed a poker league with a regular group of guys that meet every month. They rotate between 3 different houses, have a system of game rotation, and even take a "rake" of each poker night to be held back for the end of the year tournament. I'm telling ya, they are serious! But they have such a great time and we've truly been blessed by this great group of guys and their families. They even held a fundraiser poker tournament for our adoption! But anyway...

Back when we had cable (which we really don't miss btw, but that's a whole other story!) Sean enjoyed the times he could watch the World Series of Poker (WSOP) and follow the months long tournament to the "Main Event" and final table. He even read bios on some of the players! It's cute.  :)

He spoke regularly of his dream to play in the WSOP. He even had my daddy saying he was gonna save money to bankroll his entry some day (a buy-in to the main event is 10K!! Sheesh. Yeah, NOT in our budget!). It's been a long held dream. One that he's mentioned in some of his quieter moments...when he's allowing himself time to drift away from the everyday and be that kid again.

As a graduation gift for getting his MBA, his parents took us to Las Vegas for an extended weekend. We hadn't been there since 2004 (and that was on business) so we were excited to go. We were also looking forward to getting away as adults for just a bit, especially after all of the events of the last month. My parents were gracious enough to come watch the kids while we were gone.

Low and behold, the FIRST night we were there, Sean noticed an article in a magazine mentioning that the WSOP WAS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.  We all agreed it'd be cool to go over to the Rio and just look around, to get a feel for what it was like. But when we got there, we realized that there were tournaments going on and starting and ending all. weekend. long.  Now Sean's parents had already said they wanted to pay for him to play in a tournament in Vegas because they knew how much he'd enjoy it. We never thought it would work out to play in a WSOP tournament! But hey, lifelong dreams don't come up all the time!

He debated all of the different options for tournaments, and finally settled on a Hold'em Deep Stack tournament. It was to start at 10pm! He could've played in one that would lead to another and another and possibly end up at the main event in July. However, that would require him to play all weekend long. Since we wanted to sight see and spend time with his parents, that wasn't going to work. And since that wasn't why we'd come, it wasn't really even appealing. But he WAS excited about playing in a one-time tournament.

Long story short, he did AWESOME! We left the Rio at 6AM the next morning! Yes, that's 8 HOURS of playing. Every 2 hours they'd get a 20 minute break. He ended up at the final table of 9 people (out of 170 people who started!) and they decided it'd been long enough and opted to "chop" the winnings at that point. 1st place got $3500, 2nd got $2500 and everyone else got $1200!!! The buy-in was only $135, so that's nearly a 10x return on investment! He finished in the top 5% when his average has been the top 10%. And he got to fulfill a lifelong dream to play at the WSOP...at those tables, on that floor, where he'd watched all the pros and other people play for years.

I couldn't help but think Daddy would've been so proud! I know Sean's parents and I were! We spent the rest of the weekend hanging out, seeing Ray Romano live, eating food that is now requiring a detox LOL, and generally just having an amazing time. We are so blessed by our amazing parents who allowed us to go by watching our kids and who paid for us to go and for Sean to play!! It truly was a great trip. 
Lifelong dream--CHECK!  :)

It's Not Goodbye

I wrote the following piece for Daddy's funeral. Somehow, I managed to defy the odds and get through the whole thing myself, although I'll admit I didn't look up and simply read what I'd written. My brothers also managed to play their guitars and sing. I am SO proud of them. Daddy would've absolutely loved it. He was so proud of them learning to play the guitar and enjoyed every time he got to hear them play. He would've had tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face listening to them that day. It was nothing short of amazing. I followed shortly after with this:

How do you put into words how you feel about the first man to ever hold your heart? My friend, my hero, my teacher, my guide, my fixer-of-all-things...my daddy. He held my hand, taught me to ride a bike, taught me to drive, taught me how to change my oil and change a tire. He encouraged me to try new things, to stand on my own two feet, to believe in myself, to never give up. He showed me the beauty in God's creation and convinced me that there is value and worth in every human being. He taught me to live life to the fullest and to take advantage of every moment I have left on this earth. He told me he loved me, told me I was beautiful, told me I was his princess.  And he always reminded me to share the love of Jesus with everyone I meet and to keep a smile on my face. 

Many things could be said about my daddy, about his hard-headedness, his love for chatting about Jesus and politics for hours on end. And while I may not remember all of you when I see you today, chances are I could tell you a story about each of you. Daddy loved to tell stories. But of all the things I could say about my dad, of all the things I could leave you with to remember him by, I think the most important thing was that he was passionate. He knew what he believed and he wasn't afraid to share it with anyone who would listen. How many of us truly live life with passion and conviction? I can only hope I can be half as passionate in the time I have left as my daddy was. 

I am so very grateful for the last 4 1/2 years we had, knowing that his time was limited. We were forced to focus on the important rather than the trivial and to embrace every moment we had together. I am also grateful that God granted Daddy his last wish, which was to go peacefully, in his sleep, just like his Uncle Ira had done. 

While my heart is utterly broken and there will forever be a part of me missing; while right now I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow, let alone the rest of my life without him, I have peace in knowing I will see him again in heaven because he gave his heart to Jesus. I love you, Daddy, more than words can say. This is not "goodbye", just "see ya later".

For the last week, I've had so many emotions. Hurt, despair, anger, frustration, confusion, pain. Now I'm simply numb. I seem, at this point, to be past the ugly cry and the weepiness. Now I find myself trying to remember that he's truly gone, reminding myself that he really won't be calling or texting or emailing soon. I often catch myself lost in deep thought, memories of times with Daddy flooding my mind. I can feel his hugs, feel the roughness of his weathered skin as he holds my hand, hear his voice as he says, "Hiiii, baby!" when we see each other after a few weeks apart. I keep thinking that someone has made a mistake and I'm going to wake up soon.  It just seems so unreal.  So I have to remind myself that it is, in fact, very real.

His service was unbelievably beautiful. From the video of pictures that told his life story, set on a background of music he loved, to the many things people shared, to my brothers singing. Even the gut-wrenching ugly cry that came, once again, as the Air Force went through the Military Honors portion of his graveside service and presented me with his flag...it was utterly beautiful and demonstrated, not a perfect life, but a life made perfect by the love of a redeeming God.

And he left a video. Back in January he'd made an hour long video of his life story. An HOUR long. 60 full minutes we have of watching our Dad, of hearing his voice. Video that will forever keep him alive, keep him present, both for us and for our children as we grieve his loss. I have no doubt it will be a huge comfort in those days and hours and moments when we are missing him terribly. I am SO thankful he did that. SO incredibly thankful.

I've been avoiding the radio for the last week. Music is a huge part of my life. It reaches the depths of who I am and allows me to bear my soul. But since daddy died, I think I've been on emotion overload and therefore trying to avoid anything that would bring more emotion to the surface. Two days ago, though, I allowed myself to to flip through the channels, hoping that nothing too deep would be playing. I realized a new Carrie Underwood song was playing, so I turned it up. It ended up being just what I needed to hear. It was refreshing and comforting to my hurting heart and there was so much truth in the words she sang. I believe it will be a song I listen to for years to come. It's called "See You Again".

Said goodbye,
Turned around and you were gone, gone, gone...
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away.
But I won't cry 'cause I know,
I'll never be lonely,
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow.
I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh...
Til I see you again.
I can hear those echos in the wind at night
Calling me in time, back to you.
In a place far away where the water meets the sky,
The thought of it makes me smile.
You were my tomorrow.
I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh...
Til I see you again.
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking...
But I stay strong and I hold on
Cause I know...
I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, yeah yea
I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh...
Til I see you again.
Til I see you again.
Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone.

Til I see you again, Daddy...

Rosalie

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in church dreading the call I knew was coming. I cried through every song and much of the sermon, although I couldn't tell you what it was about. It was a few hours later when I was at home that it came. The call. "She's gone" is all I heard...

There are 3 women in my life (so far) who have had a major influence on the woman I've become. My grandmother was one of them. In some ways it feels as though it was just yesterday she was making Christmas dinner, laughing, telling stories. In others, it feels like much more than the 9 years it's really been.

Words seem to fail me now as I try to paint a picture of the woman I called "Grandma". My heart longs for you to fully understand the person that she was, the person I wish so many of you knew, the person I wish with all my heart my daughters knew. Kind, gracious, strong, unwavering, selfless, sacrificial, loving, focused, filled with integrity, gentleness and a heart the size of Texas...that was my Grandma. I'll never understand how she could look at someone, anyone, and love them so deeply, so genuinely, from the start. It didn't matter what you'd done in life, she saw your potential. She saw your gifts. She truly saw Jesus in others. And that's how she treated them. She loved them. I know. Because she loved me.

I was not of her bloodline. According to the world, I was her "step-granddaughter". And I wasn't even that until I was 12 years old. But there was nothing "step" about our relationship. We were Grandmother and granddaughter through and through. If I had ever doubted that, she cleared it up right quick the day I mouthed off to my mom when she grabbed me by the ear and informed me that's "not the way to speak to your mother."  LOL. Did I mention she was also strict??  ;)

She and my Grandpa adopted my step-dad (also not a "step" relationship, but a father-daughter relationship) and his brother, then went on to have 5 children by birth, THEN went on to have numerous foster children over the years. Every single child, young or old, knew from the minute they walked through the door, they were family. To this day you never know who will show up for family gatherings because they all know they are still welcome. My grandma (and my grandpa) had a way of loving others that I'm not sure I fully understand even now, so many years later. And it has changed the way I live my life.

She taught me hard work, the value of family, forgiveness, how to genuinely love other people, the joys of a large family, the beauty of a special needs family, the magnificence of an adoptive family, the special bond that can exist between a grandmother and granddaughter, and SO. MUCH. MORE. She taught me what it was to be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around you.

I miss her. Every day I have yet another question for her about adoption. Every day I laugh at the antics of my children and I can still hear her laugh, as though she were right here with us. What I wouldn't give for one more day with her, for one more hug, one more story.

So go hug your grandma today for me...because time is short, and life is precious. One day, I will see her again because she gave her heart to Jesus long ago. But until that time comes, I do my best to keep her memory alive for my boys, to share stories of her life with my girls, and to be even half the woman of God she was every day of her life.

My only candid picture of just me & Grandma

Rosalie Ann Thiessen

Aug 6, 1932---April 11, 2004