Thursday, April 18, 2013

Nausea

It's that feeling you get when you're ill. The one when you feel like you could throw up at any moment. It's also the one you get when you're so wrapped up in the emotion of a situation that you don't know your head from a hole in the wall. It's the frustration of being helpless to do anything. Just sitting and waiting and waiting and sitting. You try to find ways to fill the time, but it doesn't matter. It's always there. That feeling.

That's where we're at right now. I would love to tell you that it's all candy and roses and counting the days. But the truth is, it's ugly and raw and hopeless and painful and stressful and frustrating and crazy and long and difficult and exhausting. Fighting for a child you know in your heart is your daughter...a child you've only seen in pictures...a child half a world away in need of her Mommy and Daddy and family.  Doing all you can on your end to get to her as fast as possible while it seems as though everyone else that has a job to do in the process is dragging their feet. Having SO MANY THINGS fall into place, answers to specific prayers, everything looking so positive and so hopeful...only to reach a point where you feel you're the ONLY ones still believing this will ever happen, the only ones fighting to get to her, while others have just given up and stopped trying.

You want to scream. Cry. Throw something. Hit someone. Show up in person to get your questions answered. GET ON A FREAKING PLANE AND FLY TO CHINA!!!!!! At this point, they all seem better than what you can do...which is wait. Which seems like nothing.

The truth is, we are not right. We don't feel right. We don't look right (to ourselves). Because our family is not complete. One of us is missing. It's the very real, very open and gaping hole in who we are now. Although Mei Mei has never been "with" us, she's now very much a part of us--of all of us. The only way I can describe it and even possibly have you understand is this:  It's the same way you feel when someone in your family has gone on a trip, even an overnight stay. You look around and everything is there--except them. And while it all functions well and everyone is okay, nothing is truly right. It's just off somehow. Because the absence of the other person is almost palpable. You can feel it in your soul.

So I don't want to worry you or scare you. We are okay. We are getting by. Some days are easier than others. Some days, like today, just SUCK. This is adoption. Good and bad, joy and sorrow, beauty and pain. As I've said so many times before. It's RAW. And although I feel at times like I may go completely insane before this process is complete, I know...in my heart, in my soul, at the core of my being...that it is worth every day of grief and heartache. SHE is worth it.

We covet your prayers at this time for our family. Prayers for peace, for comfort, for direction, for patience--we need it all! Thank you friends. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.


Thursday, April 11, 2013

Rosalie

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in church dreading the call I knew was coming. I cried through every song and much of the sermon, although I couldn't tell you what it was about. It was a few hours later when I was at home that it came. The call. "She's gone" is all I heard...

There are 3 women in my life (so far) who have had a major influence on the woman I've become. My grandmother was one of them. In some ways it feels as though it was just yesterday she was making Christmas dinner, laughing, telling stories. In others, it feels like much more than the 9 years it's really been.

Words seem to fail me now as I try to paint a picture of the woman I called "Grandma". My heart longs for you to fully understand the person that she was, the person I wish so many of you knew, the person I wish with all my heart my daughters knew. Kind, gracious, strong, unwavering, selfless, sacrificial, loving, focused, filled with integrity, gentleness and a heart the size of Texas...that was my Grandma. I'll never understand how she could look at someone, anyone, and love them so deeply, so genuinely, from the start. It didn't matter what you'd done in life, she saw your potential. She saw your gifts. She truly saw Jesus in others. And that's how she treated them. She loved them. I know. Because she loved me.

I was not of her bloodline. According to the world, I was her "step-granddaughter". And I wasn't even that until I was 12 years old. But there was nothing "step" about our relationship. We were Grandmother and granddaughter through and through. If I had ever doubted that, she cleared it up right quick the day I mouthed off to my mom when she grabbed me by the ear and informed me that's "not the way to speak to your mother."  LOL. Did I mention she was also strict??  ;)

She and my Grandpa adopted my step-dad (also not a "step" relationship, but a father-daughter relationship) and his brother, then went on to have 5 children by birth, THEN went on to have numerous foster children over the years. Every single child, young or old, knew from the minute they walked through the door, they were family. To this day you never know who will show up for family gatherings because they all know they are still welcome. My grandma (and my grandpa) had a way of loving others that I'm not sure I fully understand even now, so many years later. And it has changed the way I live my life.

She taught me hard work, the value of family, forgiveness, how to genuinely love other people, the joys of a large family, the beauty of a special needs family, the magnificence of an adoptive family, the special bond that can exist between a grandmother and granddaughter, and SO. MUCH. MORE. She taught me what it was to be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around you.

I miss her. Every day I have yet another question for her about adoption. Every day I laugh at the antics of my children and I can still hear her laugh, as though she were right here with us. What I wouldn't give for one more day with her, for one more hug, one more story.

So go hug your grandma today for me...because time is short, and life is precious. One day, I will see her again because she gave her heart to Jesus long ago. But until that time comes, I do my best to keep her memory alive for my boys, to share stories of her life with my girls, and to be even half the woman of God she was every day of her life.

My only candid picture of just me & Grandma
Rosalie Ann Thiessen
Aug 6, 1932---April 11, 2004



Wednesday, April 10, 2013

At The Core

I am NOT a morning person. I'm not. Never have been. I am a late night person. I don't care what time I have to get up, I cherish the quiet time at the end of the day, after 9pm when all the kids are sleeping. I will read, catch up on TV shows, craft, WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE! It is bliss. It's my "me time". And I love it. At the core of who I am, I am not a morning person.

However, this morning my newly-teen-aged son asked if I'd get up and fix him breakfast before testing at school. Normally, my boys are fully capable of getting up and getting their own breakfast, and I sleep in a bit and get up with sister around 7:30. But I also don't feel comfortable with them using the stove without an adult present, so the idea of letting them make their own eggs while I got a bit more sleep was enough to make me set the alarm earlier.

I was up at 6:30 so that my oldest would have time for breakfast as his bus leaves just after 7am. Can I tell you something?? I got SO much done!! I made his breakfast and chatted with him til he left, then had time for my morning cup of coffee and a protein shake before the other boys got up. I made their breakfasts as well, got myself dressed and waited for sister to wake up. Once she had breakfast she was ready to get dressed for school. The little boys asked if I could take them to school rather than having them ride the bus because they didn't wanna wait in the rain. AND I OBLIGED!! Now, don't get me wrong here. I don't mind taking the boys to school. And I know this may not be some major feat for you regular moms out there, but for those of us who truly struggle to drag ourselves out of bed every morning?? Yeah, me doing all this without hesitation is HUGE, people. And to top it all off--sister wasn't late for school!!! This, I believe, was my crowning glory of the morning as we are usually late for preschool. Honestly, I'm usually late for, well, everything. LOL. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is reality, so I try to at least own it.

Well now that I've truly bored you with my not-so-spectacular, normal-day-for-everyone-else story, I will say this. I think I'm onto something. LOL. At least for me! You may not be able to understand if you are already a morning person, but for those of us that are not, as I said before, this is truly a struggle. I still don't like the idea, but with as much as I've gotten done today, I'd say it's worth another shot...or two.  ;)


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Celebrating

Today is bittersweet. It's Mei Mei's birthday. You know, that one we shouldn't know about? Yeah, it's today. She's 1. Technically, it was last night (China time). I thought about her as I got ready for bed last night. I wonder if they're celebrating her over there.

I know she's in a foster home (HUGE blessing) with a few other children. That means she has a family-type setting rather than an orphanage setting. In so many orphanages over there, the beds are lined up side by side in large rooms, babies left in their cribs for hours on end--out of necessity, due to only a few workers being on hand at a time. Her being in a foster home means her attachment to us should be easier when the time comes. So that's a blessing!

It's hard not being able to celebrate with her, but we most definitely will be celebrating her here. Our kids are already head over heels in love with her. They've asked multiple times why we can't just fly over today and get her. :)  I'm so thankful that they are excited. It would be so easy in a family of 4 children to not be thrilled about adding another. We talked to our children at length before beginning this process...making sure they were all on board. From the beginning they were ecstatic! They weren't worried about sharing rooms or toys or time...they just wanted to know how soon we could get her. My kids are amazing. And I love how genuinely they love others.

Today is not only a day to celebrate Mei Mei, however. It's also a day to remember that this is the last birthday she will spend without her forever family. The day of her birth and her first birthday are a small price to pay to celebrate all of the others with her. I look forward to those birthdays, those milestones, and all the everyday days in between with her. In the meantime, we'll celebrate her here, on the other side of the globe.

Here's to turning 1, sweet girl. Mama's coming.


Monday, April 1, 2013

Strangely Dim

I swear I could write about 150 blog posts on this whole adoption thing and each one would be a different topic. Sometimes the days run together, other times each day seems to bring something new. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster most days. The waiting is hard...harder than I imagined. I have no idea how hard it will be once we have a specific file and know that we are simply counting down the days til we hold our little girl.

I've been using the term "raw" in a number of posts lately. But it's the only word I have found that accurately describes how I feel on so many things. It's literally like an open wound and when something comes near it, it burns from being so...raw, so laid bare.

When I was pregnant with our other 4 children, while I couldn't control the details of what was going on inside me, I could definitely control things like diet, exercise, stress...all those things that would be poor contributors to my child. But adoption is so much different. There's this piece of me that exists in the form of a little girl half way around the world. I can't touch her, hold her, comfort her, bathe her, feed her, see her or hear her. There is absolutely nothing I can do for her.

All I can do is wait. Wait and pray. Pray that she's safe. Pray that she's fed. Pray that she's warm. Pray that she's held. Pray that she's loved.

Sometimes I find myself going through these Facebook groups for those adopting, searching out information. It's a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it's awesome to connect with other parents who are in the same boat, who can fully appreciate exactly what we're going through and lend advice to help us. On the other hand, it can be information overload, causing me to second guess everything. Did we sign with the right agency? Why are things taking so long? Should I call somewhere else? Should I look into this or that? It's enough to drive me crazy. Today was one of those days. I'd decided I was going to make a call. I wanted more information and I wasn't willing to let the process take it's course. I was going to do the footwork myself. Forget that there's a system in place for a reason...I was on a mission.

And then I talked to my husband. :)  Am I the only one who has a marriage where when one of us is nearly going crazy, the other one is completely holding it together? That's the way it works at our house. Thankfully, God has paired me with a wise, discerning man! He talked me through my concerns and my "plan". I wasn't buying his ideas though. I still thought I knew better. But I waited. I went to the gym and ran some errands. I thought and thought and thought til I didn't wanna think about any of it anymore. I was so confused. I was so stressed out. I'm beginning to realize I might have a control issue...or two. ;)

And then this song came on the radio. Am I also the only one who hears the voice of God through music? I sure hope not! It's both beautiful and reassuring at the same time. Music has always spoken to me...whether I was a teen getting over a crush or now, when I'm a mama on a mission who is learning patience. Anyway, here is the song. I hope it speaks to you like it spoke to me...(and no, I didn't make those phone calls.)  :)

Strangely Dim
by Francesca Battistelli

I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim 
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I'm in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.


I pray that somehow this means as much to you as it does to me today.