So all that to say, I'm learning. I'm learning that God brings us through trials the same as He brings us through triumphs, but He uses them to teach us...to teach us more about ourselves, about each other, about Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, and about His great love for us. You see, if I had planned this process, we would've been home 3 years ago. But 3 years ago (yesterday), I lost my dad. God knew Daddy was going home that day. And He knew the absolute, barely functioning enough for my current family, version of myself that I would be for the next 18 months. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.
If I had planned this process, I'd have had us home 2 years ago. But 2 years ago we'd just moved to a new state, half a day's drive from any friends or family, and we weren't settled yet. God knew it would be chaos. He knew I'd be trying to get us settled in a new home, trying to find us a new normal for homeschool, trying to find my way around a new city to find us new, regular doctors for our healthy family. He knew I would struggle to add in multiple doctor appointments for our daughter and all that her needs will demand in those first months home. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.
If I had planned this process, I'd have had us home a year ago. But a year ago, we were finding out her file wouldn't be available to our original agency. In fact, not only would we have to change agencies, we'd have to use the savings we'd put aside for the kids to go with us just to pay for changing to this agency. He knew that we wouldn't be able to take the kids with us to meet their sister that they had prayed for all these years. He knew I had relationships to build with our neighbors yet, neighbors who have been our village this last year and who truly have our backs. He knew I still needed to meet more adoptive mamas, needed to learn more about my daughter's needs, needed to find her just the right doctors. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.
You see, I'm learning God's answers don't always meet my expectations, they don't always line up with MY plan. When we decided to adopt, one of my biggest prayers was that God would allow my daddy, who we knew had limited time, to meet this little girl he had prayed so desperately over. But God's answer was no. He knew that, with daddy's poor health, we couldn't move when we had the chance 6 months after his passing. If we didn't move, we wouldn't have access to the doctors we have now, we wouldn't have the new friendships that I know will be so vital to our girl growing up. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to have Daddy here with us, to meet his new granddaughter, to hear him laugh one more time. But God's plans are so far better than mine, and I can see that now, looking back.
I prayed desperately for my daughter to come home, every single day, every single week, every single month, every single year...since the day I laid eyes on her. But God knew we wouldn't be ready, He knew I wouldn't be ready, and I'm sure, He knew she wouldn't be ready. She needs a mama who's not in the midst of grieving her own father, one who's not in the midst of moving, of making a new life, of making new friends, of trying to settle in to a new normal. She needs a mama who is prepared, educated on her needs, has plans and people in place to make her transition as smooth as possible.
In all of the trials, in all of the struggle. in all of the wait and the pain and the heartache...God is good. And He knows far better than I what is best for me, for our family, for our girl. He has worked all things for our good. He has been in every detail. He has orchestrated every moment of this process til now. And I am learning to trust, to have greater faith, because He has proven Himself faithful through it all.
His answers aren't meeting my expectations, they are exceeding them...and I am so very grateful.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to HIM be the glory..." Eph. 3:20-21
P.S. THIS MAMA IS READY!!! ;)
