Why NOT Me?

Not gonna lie. This week has been hard. REALLY hard. Since last Thursday, Aug 18th, we've been waiting for Travel Approval so we can nail down appointment times and ultimately travel plans. We're doing everything we can to make September travel a reality...to get to our girl as fast as humanly possible.

For the last month or so, Travel Approvals have been averaging a week or less, many even coming in 4-5 days...some at a whopping 2 days! I was SO excited to get to this point for two reasons. First, because it's the LAST thing we need. After Travel Approval is issued all we are waiting on is boarding a plane when our day comes! And second, because I was under the impression this part would go fast. It depends somewhat on the agency you are with, as they seem to be processed by agency. Our agency is known for lightening fast TAs. I truly truly expected to have it in 3 days or less. And here we sit on day 9...with no TA.

With every passing day, my frustration and heartache have mounted. We have hit roadblocks at every single step of this process, save one. ONE. One step in the process (Article 5 issuance) went like clockwork. ONE. I cannot explain how frustrating, exhausting and utterly heartbreaking it is to do everything within your power to bring your child home and have only ONE step go as planned. So many days I have felt completely defeated. So many nights I've gone to bed begging God to be at work on her side of the world. So many mornings I've gone without news, or gotten bad news, on our process and wondered why on earth we have to fight at every step, why on earth WE have to struggle, why on earth our process has to take years when I have friends who've brought home THREE babies from there on THREE separate trips and I JUST. WANT. MY. GIRL. My one child. Just ONE. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this?

I cried out to God in my anger and pain and frustration. WHY ME??

And then a still, small voice whispered to my heart, "Why NOT me?"

I'm not different than anyone else. I'm no better than anyone else. My daughter is no more deserving of a forever family than the other MILLIONS of children also waiting.

The reality is, our world is broken. Pain and heartache and loss and death and suffering are rampant. From the moment Eve first sinned and Adam followed suit, our world was forever broken. We ALL became sinners that day, no one better or more important than another. We ALL deserve so much less than we are given. We are ALL separated from God by our sin. But God...

God brings life. God brings healing. God brings restoration to families. God binds up the brokenhearted. God fills the void only HE can. God makes us whole. And GOD'S plan is so far better than my own...

I know that He has a plan for my daughter. I know that He has a plan for our family. So WHY would I want anything less than His very best for each of us?? WHY would I want to try to control the outcome on my terms when so many times I've proven that is the worst possible path? I'm realizing there is a purpose in the journey, not just in the destination.

He is bringing my issues to light. He is showing me where I fall short. He is showing me where I need to grow. He is making me more like Him with each step of this process...bringing me to my knees and learning to rely not on my own understanding. He is showing me over and over that I'M not in control, but HE is...and that is so much better than I could imagine.

So we wait...yet again. Only this time, with renewed hope, with renewed faith in the One who loves our daughter more than we ever could. He has OUR best in His plan. He has HER best in His plan. And that's worth waiting for...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight."             ~Proverbs 3:5-6

31 & 9

31 DAYS, 9 HOURS...

That's all that *likely* stands between us. I say "likely" because it will be another week or so until we have it all confirmed and locked in.

31 DAYS, 9 HOURS...

...til I see you face to face
...til I look into your eyes as you look into mine
...til I can touch you
...til I can hold you
...til I can forever and always call you mine

It's taken forever to get here. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years... SO many years. So many moments lost. I missed your first smile, your first word, your first steps. I didn't get to hold you the first time you fell down or comfort you the first time you were sick. I've completely missed two surgeries. Were you scared? Alone? Was someone there to hold you? To tell you it would all be ok? I missed you first sleeping through the night, your first hugs, your first kisses...

I often wonder what all you understand. I know they've told you about us. I know you've seen our pictures. But you're so very little. There's only so much I really believe you can grasp. And when I stop to consider what we will ask you to go through in just a few short weeks...it nearly breaks me. I don't want to see you scared. I don't want to make you cry. There is nothing beautiful about tearing you away from the only family you've ever known...

It's all moving so fast now. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... Moments are fleeting. There is so much left to do. Your quilt isn't ready, your bed needs fixed, your things need to be organized and put away. You need doctor appointments and dental appointments and speech therapy lined up. We need to schedule post-placement appointments and make meals for the freezer. So many things left to do and it's all flying by in a whirlwind.

Before you know it, I will be there...

...and I will look into your eyes
...and I will take your hand
...and I will stroke your hair
...and I will wipe your tears
...and I will hold you if you'll let me
...and I will tell you every single day from now until my dying breath that you are always and forever mine...

Father, prepare her heart. Prepare our hearts. Let her see us in her dreams, giving her glimpses of forever. Reassure her that she is safe...that she is loved. Allow her to enjoy these last few weeks in her China home...and forever cement these moments to her memory, so she can treasure them always. Give us wisdom in our meeting, that we will comfort her the way she needs it most. Allow our trip, for each of us, to truly be about her, about storing up memories to share with her later, to take in all that we can of her country and her culture, so that they will always be honored in our home. Protect each of us from illness from now until we are all home safe. Bring us peace and focus in the days that remain...until we are finally FINALLY a family of 7, all in one place.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."       
                                                                                     ~Philippians 4:6-7

**We covet your prayers for our girl and our journey. It is coming SOON!!