Lifelong Dream--Check

There are times in our lives when we allow ourselves to dream. I don't mean the daily, little dreams. I mean the big, chance-of-a-lifetime dreams. You know, just like the ones you have as a kid, when you're innocent enough to believe the sky is the limit--the time before "life" has happened, has changed you and your dreams. All too often as adults, I believe, we fail to dream that way. We let our circumstances determine our future instead of the other way around. We allow ourselves to settle, to accept that this is our lot in life, that big dreams and big opportunities are only for other people.

But sometimes, dreams creep in and firmly take hold in the back of our minds. Sometimes, when we are honest with ourselves, we allow those dreams to come out of the recesses of our souls. We allow them to dance and play in our hearts. We allow ourselves to dream as a child once again. I believe it is in those rare moments that we are truly our REAL selves. And sometimes, we are blessed enough to see those dreams become a reality.

This last weekend was one of those times for my husband. A number of years ago, he took an interest in learning to play poker. It's a hobby of his, just like playing golf. And he's gotten really good at it. I'm always amazed at how quickly he can calculate his odds, figure out the number of "outs" he has, the "pot" ratios and make a move in any given hand. Meanwhile (if I'm playing too which is rare, as I'm NOT as skilled, LOL) I'm still trying to figure out what I even have and if it's a "good" hand or not! My husband has even, in more recent years, formed a poker league with a regular group of guys that meet every month. They rotate between 3 different houses, have a system of game rotation, and even take a "rake" of each poker night to be held back for the end of the year tournament. I'm telling ya, they are serious! But they have such a great time and we've truly been blessed by this great group of guys and their families. They even held a fundraiser poker tournament for our adoption! But anyway...

Back when we had cable (which we really don't miss btw, but that's a whole other story!) Sean enjoyed the times he could watch the World Series of Poker (WSOP) and follow the months long tournament to the "Main Event" and final table. He even read bios on some of the players! It's cute.  :)

He spoke regularly of his dream to play in the WSOP. He even had my daddy saying he was gonna save money to bankroll his entry some day (a buy-in to the main event is 10K!! Sheesh. Yeah, NOT in our budget!). It's been a long held dream. One that he's mentioned in some of his quieter moments...when he's allowing himself time to drift away from the everyday and be that kid again.

As a graduation gift for getting his MBA, his parents took us to Las Vegas for an extended weekend. We hadn't been there since 2004 (and that was on business) so we were excited to go. We were also looking forward to getting away as adults for just a bit, especially after all of the events of the last month. My parents were gracious enough to come watch the kids while we were gone.

Low and behold, the FIRST night we were there, Sean noticed an article in a magazine mentioning that the WSOP WAS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.  We all agreed it'd be cool to go over to the Rio and just look around, to get a feel for what it was like. But when we got there, we realized that there were tournaments going on and starting and ending all. weekend. long.  Now Sean's parents had already said they wanted to pay for him to play in a tournament in Vegas because they knew how much he'd enjoy it. We never thought it would work out to play in a WSOP tournament! But hey, lifelong dreams don't come up all the time!

He debated all of the different options for tournaments, and finally settled on a Hold'em Deep Stack tournament. It was to start at 10pm! He could've played in one that would lead to another and another and possibly end up at the main event in July. However, that would require him to play all weekend long. Since we wanted to sight see and spend time with his parents, that wasn't going to work. And since that wasn't why we'd come, it wasn't really even appealing. But he WAS excited about playing in a one-time tournament.

Long story short, he did AWESOME! We left the Rio at 6AM the next morning! Yes, that's 8 HOURS of playing. Every 2 hours they'd get a 20 minute break. He ended up at the final table of 9 people (out of 170 people who started!) and they decided it'd been long enough and opted to "chop" the winnings at that point. 1st place got $3500, 2nd got $2500 and everyone else got $1200!!! The buy-in was only $135, so that's nearly a 10x return on investment! He finished in the top 5% when his average has been the top 10%. And he got to fulfill a lifelong dream to play at the WSOP...at those tables, on that floor, where he'd watched all the pros and other people play for years.

I couldn't help but think Daddy would've been so proud! I know Sean's parents and I were! We spent the rest of the weekend hanging out, seeing Ray Romano live, eating food that is now requiring a detox LOL, and generally just having an amazing time. We are so blessed by our amazing parents who allowed us to go by watching our kids and who paid for us to go and for Sean to play!! It truly was a great trip. 
Lifelong dream--CHECK!  :)

Bittersweet

I haven't posted an adoption update on here for a while because, well, there's really nothing to post. We haven't even had contact with our agency in over a month. That's not a bad thing. There just hasn't been a need. We are waiting for this specific little girl to be "paperwork ready" and are not interested in looking at other children in the mean time because we feel we've been led to THIS specific child. Our agency knows this. And both sides realize it will be a number of months until she is ready. So there's no need to do anything other than wait at this point.

At first, when we found out in April that it would be considerably longer than we'd expected, I was upset. I didn't understand why God was having us wait when we'd willingly jump on the next available plane if given the chance. I still don't understand why God allows certain things to happen the way that He does.

Now, almost two months later, I know that, in part, He is preparing me to be the best mom I can be for her. And He knew that right now, as much as I'd like to be, I would not be ready to handle bringing her home. He knew my time with my dad was short. He knew the days, hours and minutes he had left. He knew that, although I would trust in His plan no matter what, I would still be utterly lost at this point. He knew I would not be ready. So God, in His wisdom, in His divine providence, allowed me to wait longer.

None of this is what I would choose. Every single thing that I hold to be true is being tested. Every belief re-examined. I've never been in this situation before, losing someone so close to me. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But in the deepest part of my soul, I know I am being refined. I am being given the opportunity to question everything I've ever believed--and finding it all to be very real, very true. Some of the things I've been forced to reconsider:

Is God truly in control?

Does God really work for my good in ALL situations?

Is it possible to go on after losing someone so dear?

Do I still firmly believe that HOW we die is inconsequential, but WHEN we die was laid out before we were ever born?

Does God take people only when they are done with their purpose here on earth?

Will I ever get to a point where I once again feel like I'm enjoying life rather than just getting through each day?

Do I trust that God knows best, even when I never got to say goodbye?

Is God truly who He says He is?

Do I still believe God is good ALL the time?


These are only a few of the things I've been pondering the last 3 weeks. There's too much to list here. They come up at random times, random places. Sometimes they give me pause, sometimes they bring me to tears, sometimes they leave me angry. But the resounding answer to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE, every time? YES. YES. YES. YES.

I still believe every single thing I've ever held to be true, even though life is extremely hard for me right now.

And I'm finding that God's provision goes beyond any one incident, to weave together a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

You see, I have things to work through, things to settle in my heart before I can give our youngest daughter the attention she deserves, before I can be there for her wholly. I need time to heal. God is using this to draw me closer to Him, to bring me to a place of utter dependence on Him, on His timing, on His plan...not my own.

And all through this, God is providing. Giving me a family who is patient with my healing, friends who know exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right time, a summer schedule that allows me the freedom to heal at a slower, more complete pace than school time would allow. He's flooding my mind with happy memories, little reminders of all that Daddy was to me.

And God, in all His wisdom, is allowing Daddy to provide for his new granddaughter, who he SO wanted to meet, even after his death. You see, friends, the remainder of Daddy's life insurance is going directly into our adoption fund. It's an amount he could never have given while he was alive, as he was a man of little means. But if he'd had it, he would've gladly given it. He wanted to meet her, to hold her, to tell her all about his Jesus who loves her.  Since he will not meet her this side of heaven, the next best thing we can do is to honor him in this way. He would LOVE to know he is having such a big impact, that some good is coming from our loss. It is bittersweet for me.

A friend posted this on her blog a while back and it is ringing so true today:

Sweet is nice enough.
But bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth & complexity.
Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.
                      --Shauna Niequist