Bittersweet

I haven't posted an adoption update on here for a while because, well, there's really nothing to post. We haven't even had contact with our agency in over a month. That's not a bad thing. There just hasn't been a need. We are waiting for this specific little girl to be "paperwork ready" and are not interested in looking at other children in the mean time because we feel we've been led to THIS specific child. Our agency knows this. And both sides realize it will be a number of months until she is ready. So there's no need to do anything other than wait at this point.

At first, when we found out in April that it would be considerably longer than we'd expected, I was upset. I didn't understand why God was having us wait when we'd willingly jump on the next available plane if given the chance. I still don't understand why God allows certain things to happen the way that He does.

Now, almost two months later, I know that, in part, He is preparing me to be the best mom I can be for her. And He knew that right now, as much as I'd like to be, I would not be ready to handle bringing her home. He knew my time with my dad was short. He knew the days, hours and minutes he had left. He knew that, although I would trust in His plan no matter what, I would still be utterly lost at this point. He knew I would not be ready. So God, in His wisdom, in His divine providence, allowed me to wait longer.

None of this is what I would choose. Every single thing that I hold to be true is being tested. Every belief re-examined. I've never been in this situation before, losing someone so close to me. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But in the deepest part of my soul, I know I am being refined. I am being given the opportunity to question everything I've ever believed--and finding it all to be very real, very true. Some of the things I've been forced to reconsider:

Is God truly in control?

Does God really work for my good in ALL situations?

Is it possible to go on after losing someone so dear?

Do I still firmly believe that HOW we die is inconsequential, but WHEN we die was laid out before we were ever born?

Does God take people only when they are done with their purpose here on earth?

Will I ever get to a point where I once again feel like I'm enjoying life rather than just getting through each day?

Do I trust that God knows best, even when I never got to say goodbye?

Is God truly who He says He is?

Do I still believe God is good ALL the time?


These are only a few of the things I've been pondering the last 3 weeks. There's too much to list here. They come up at random times, random places. Sometimes they give me pause, sometimes they bring me to tears, sometimes they leave me angry. But the resounding answer to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE, every time? YES. YES. YES. YES.

I still believe every single thing I've ever held to be true, even though life is extremely hard for me right now.

And I'm finding that God's provision goes beyond any one incident, to weave together a plan bigger than we could ever imagine.

You see, I have things to work through, things to settle in my heart before I can give our youngest daughter the attention she deserves, before I can be there for her wholly. I need time to heal. God is using this to draw me closer to Him, to bring me to a place of utter dependence on Him, on His timing, on His plan...not my own.

And all through this, God is providing. Giving me a family who is patient with my healing, friends who know exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right time, a summer schedule that allows me the freedom to heal at a slower, more complete pace than school time would allow. He's flooding my mind with happy memories, little reminders of all that Daddy was to me.

And God, in all His wisdom, is allowing Daddy to provide for his new granddaughter, who he SO wanted to meet, even after his death. You see, friends, the remainder of Daddy's life insurance is going directly into our adoption fund. It's an amount he could never have given while he was alive, as he was a man of little means. But if he'd had it, he would've gladly given it. He wanted to meet her, to hold her, to tell her all about his Jesus who loves her.  Since he will not meet her this side of heaven, the next best thing we can do is to honor him in this way. He would LOVE to know he is having such a big impact, that some good is coming from our loss. It is bittersweet for me.

A friend posted this on her blog a while back and it is ringing so true today:

Sweet is nice enough.
But bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth & complexity.
Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.
                      --Shauna Niequist