Sunday, September 18, 2016

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow.

It's finally here.

Tomorrow I will see your face for the first time, from the same room. Tomorrow I will hold you. Tomorrow I will wipe your tears. Tomorrow...I will introduce myself. I'm Mama. I'm YOUR Mama. Tomorrow that becomes reality for us both, as our lives are changed forever.

And yet, tomorrow. Tomorrow you leave everything you've ever known. Someone you've likely never met will come to your door just after breakfast. Your foster mama will give you one last kiss. And I imagine she will cry herself as she watches you leave, as she watches you cry, unable to explain to you, to help you understand all that is happening--and that it is for your good. She will share in the pain of the beauty that is unfolding, unbeknownst to you. I imagine it will tear her heart in two. I can only pray that she finds solace in her work, in her love for you, in the time she had to be your mama, showing you the love you deserved when you needed it most. Every single photograph of the two of you echos her deep love for you. I pray that we are able to remind you often, and never let you forget, exactly how much she loved you, how she sacrificed for you.

I am a complete mess of emotions when I consider the morning. Oh how I wish you could understand how long I have prayed for this day, how I have longed to hold you all these years. I am utterly humbled at the mountains God Himself has moved to bring us to this day, to make our family whole. It leaves me speechless. I pray with every fiber of my being that one day you will see that, while He does not intend for families to be broken, He has chosen to use this story for the greater good, to use YOU to bring glory to His name...so that others might see Him more clearly. He has great plans for you, Little One. Your story is only beginning.

My heart is also breaking, knowing what you will go through very soon. I will have a front row seat to your grief. I will see every ounce of pain in your eyes and feel it like a knife in my soul with every sob that leaves your lips. It tears at my very being when I consider your fear, your confusion, your heartache. The sheer terror of being handed over to strangers who look and sound and smell nothing like you, who take you away from everything you've ever known...I cannot begin to fathom. It eats at me to consider what you must endure over the coming hours, days, weeks and months. You joining our family is truly bittersweet.

I am not new to this mom job, and yet in so many ways I feel so completely inadequate to fill this role in your life. There is so much I don't know, so much I will never know, so many questions that will forever go unanswered. And yet...I know the One who knows every single answer, the One who knows every detail of our future. I know that He will hold you and comfort you better than I ever could. I know that He will walk with us through every single difficult step that lies ahead. He has greater things in store for you. I know, because He loves you more than I ever could. And YOU are living proof that God answers prayer, not always in the way we ask, but in exactly the way, at exactly the time that we need it most.

Tomorrow, sweet girl, you are an orphan no more. I will spend every day of my life, from here on out, telling you just how loved, how cherished, how wanted you are. You are mine and I am yours. Tomorrow, forever and always.

~Mama

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."
                                                                                               ~1 Samuel 1:27