Sunday, August 11, 2013

13 Weeks

It's been 13 weeks today. 13 weeks since I learned my daddy was gone. 13 weeks since my world changed in ways I still don't fully comprehend. 13 weeks. In so many ways, it feels like yesterday. In so many ways, I still don't believe it's real. It's gone from gut wrenching, ugly cry pain to...well...odd really. It just feels weird. I know the reality is my dad is gone. But in so many ways, I just don't feel he is.

I remember the events of that weekend so vividly. We were busy planning for my husband's graduation and incoming family. Due to a change in the date of the graduation itself, we were spending one weekend having the graduation and the following weekend having his celebration party. We had family coming in both weekends. We were busy trying to figure out who all was coming on which weekend and where we'd put everyone to sleep.

My mom and step-dad had decided to come in on Sunday morning in time for an early lunch to celebrate Mother's Day and would stay through the graduation Monday night before heading back to KS.  My husband's mom and step-dad were coming in on Monday afternoon and would be staying for the graduation that night and leaving Tuesday morning. Daddy had decided it was most important for him to be there for the graduation itself. We thought he'd be riding with one of my brothers when one of them came in. We'd been texting back and forth about it all week, trying to solidify plans.

I spoke with him on Wednesday on my way to pick up our daughter from preschool. I was so excited to tell him about how we'd decided to home school the two younger boys. We talked for a while about our plans for school and how we were all anticipating a great year ahead. I also let him know about the commercial my husband had been asked to shoot. He was so very happy and told me to make sure I told Sean how proud he was of him. I told him I had to run in to get our daughter so I'd talk to him later. We each said "I love you bunches" and hung up the phone. That was the last time I talked to my daddy...

Two days later I texted him to let him know neither of my brothers would be able to come down for the graduation, gave him the times our moms were both coming in and told him I hoped he'd still be able to make it. Around the same time my brother also texted him to let him know he wasn't able to go. Around 4:30 that afternoon we all got a group text from daddy. It simply said "I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND SEAN'S GRADUATION, MUCH TO MY REGRET."

It was clear from the "all caps" message that he was upset. Was he angry? Was he disappointed? Did he, dear God, did he think there wouldn't be room? That he wouldn't be wanted there? That he was insignificant enough that he wouldn't be missed??? These are the horrible, heart wrenching things running through my mind every.single.day since May 12th.

You see, after he sent that text that day, he turned off his phone. He never turned it back on. I have no idea what he did for the 41 hours between the time he sent that last text message until he breathed his last breath. I have no idea what he was thinking or feeling. I know that he was likely disappointed he wouldn't make it. I know he was probably frustrated.

I just wish that wasn't how things ended. I wish...well...I don't know what I wish. I wish I knew how to handle this better. I wish I knew how to move on easier. I wish I knew how to let myself grieve. Unfortunately, I've kind of put myself on auto-pilot, going through the motions of every day life, the dealings of a family of 6, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. I've been going going going, moving from one thing to another, afraid that if I stop long enough to allow myself to feel anything, that I may never recover...

You see, I'm a daddy's girl. Always have been. And I just don't know how to keep going without him in my life. I keep wanting to text him, to call him, to check on him to see how he's feeling, to see what he's up to, to tell him something funny or awesome about one of the kids. I just want more time. I want more.

As hard as this is, as impossible as it seems to get through, one thing I know for certain. I have no idea how I would even be doing as well as I am if I didn't have the peace of knowing I'll see my daddy again. I can't imagine not resting in the assurance of his salvation. Even though I cannot see it now, I know in my heart this too shall pass. I know that little by little, day by day, I will begin to feel like myself again. I know that, some day, while a piece of my heart will still be missing, it won't hurt as badly as it does now. I know that someday I'll be able to look at my children, my nieces and nephews, my siblings and my husband, and smile...knowing how daddy would've loved to be there.

For now, I cling to the hope I have in Christ, the future I will have with my daddy in heaven one day. And although the majority of me is still just trying to hold it together, trying not to lose it, trying to get by, a small part of me is rejoicing as I picture my daddy, fully enjoying his new found time in the presence of our Savior. That helps me smile.


Monday, August 5, 2013

When I Nearly Threw in the Towel

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. In fact, I'm not even sure what happened to the month of July. We've had a lot going on...we've traveled some, had some company, had some down time, had some work time. I can tell you every thing we've done for the last month...but I still can't believe it's already August! One of these days maybe I'll catch you up on some of our adventures, but today, I want to give you an adoption update!

Honestly, it's been rough. When we started this journey 16 months ago, I truly, naively believed we'd be home from China by now, holding our daughter and learning how to add another member to our family. In fact, in all of the scenarios I played in my head, having us still waiting to even be matched with a child at this point was never one of them. But I'm realizing that life is a journey, and God's plans are not our plans. I may never understand, this side of heaven, why this is playing out the way it is, but one thing I do know: no matter what I think is best, His ways are better than I ever imagined.

That being said, believing something in your head and feeling it at the core of who you are, many times, can be two different things. The last few months, waiting and waiting and waiting some more, not really knowing the process just knowing our daughter's file wasn't ready...it began to wear on me. I began to doubt. I began to wonder if, while waiting for her, we should just "run over and get a second child" so at least we'd be doing something, able to love on someone, while we wait for her. I even began emailing my husband pics of other children who are waiting, suggesting we go over now for one of them, thinking maybe we should just adopt two while we are over there (you know, save on airline fees of two trips, lol), etc. I'm pretty sure he thought I was almost certifiable. But, loving husband that he is, he was patient, he was kind. He just reassured me that he was confident in where we are.

(On a somewhat side note, I believe I've mentioned on here that faith is my spiritual gift. It most definitely is. However, I'm learning the one area where this gifting is not as strong is when it comes to my children! Definitely something to work on...)

There have been so many road blocks, so many times where we just.didn't.know. what we needed to. We've been in this waiting phase for so long, while I "watch" others in my adoption groups online come in after me, get matched, go get their child and come home. It's a blessing to watch their stories unfold and share in their joy and learn from their journeys. But it is also so heart-wrenchingly difficult. I just keep thinking, "We are here, ready for this child. She is there, ready for parents. WHY is this so difficult to accomplish?!?!" And that is where my faith grew weak, my questions grew stronger, and the doubt crept in. I began to wonder if I was ready to throw in the towel and just ask our agency to look for another referral...

Instead, I emailed our contact, who is gradually becoming a friend, to see if there was something, anything she knew about our little girl's paperwork process. She emailed back with what is possibly the best news we've had outside of finding out her name and DOB! Not only did her paperwork head off to the Provincial headquarters in June (which likely means it's at the main headquarters, file complete, ready to be handed out!!) BUT she also told us that in the last few months, the other agency, the one who has a partnership with our daughter's area, who could likely get her file, who was our BIGGEST hurdle (bc if they did, it was over, we'd never get her file, as they don't transfer them to other agencies)...THEY NO LONGER HAVE THAT PARTNERSHIP!!!! They no longer receive the majority of referrals from that area!!!! Our chances of actually getting or finding her file just increased dramatically!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Now, I will not say that this makes things easy, because we still have a lot to do to actually get her file. It is still an uphill battle. We still will need God to work miracles in order for this to happen. But we have surpassed one of 3 great hurdles that could keep us from getting her! We are in a better position than we've ever been in our process! And I...well I have renewed hope. Just when I nearly threw in the towel and questioned everything I'd believed to be true about this process up til now...God moved a mountain for us, for little 'ol me. I said it on FB, but quite honestly, after months of basically faking it, trying to plug into life when all I wanted to do was be alone and cry, I honestly, truly had a great day. Life, for that moment, felt normal. It was such a blessing.

So after discussing it with my husband, and gathering as much information as we could, we took another step of faith. We asked our agency to petition our daughter's government for her file. We'd been told before we should only ask ONE more time. We did. So we wait. And pray and pray and pray. The new "list" comes out late this evening. If our agency hasn't heard back on her file, they will be searching the list for it, hoping that if we don't find it that it wasn't there yet, rather than that someone else got it before we could. Once again, I will be a basket case today...trying to keep myself busy.

Will you please pray with us? Join us in petitioning our Father on behalf of the daughter we so desperately want to bring home. Pray her file truly is there. Pray for softened hearts in her government officials. Pray we either receive or find her file this week. And please, please, pray for peace...peace in our hearts for whichever path God takes us on next in this journey to our little girl.