When I Nearly Threw in the Towel

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. In fact, I'm not even sure what happened to the month of July. We've had a lot going on...we've traveled some, had some company, had some down time, had some work time. I can tell you every thing we've done for the last month...but I still can't believe it's already August! One of these days maybe I'll catch you up on some of our adventures, but today, I want to give you an adoption update!

Honestly, it's been rough. When we started this journey 16 months ago, I truly, naively believed we'd be home from China by now, holding our daughter and learning how to add another member to our family. In fact, in all of the scenarios I played in my head, having us still waiting to even be matched with a child at this point was never one of them. But I'm realizing that life is a journey, and God's plans are not our plans. I may never understand, this side of heaven, why this is playing out the way it is, but one thing I do know: no matter what I think is best, His ways are better than I ever imagined.

That being said, believing something in your head and feeling it at the core of who you are, many times, can be two different things. The last few months, waiting and waiting and waiting some more, not really knowing the process just knowing our daughter's file wasn't ready...it began to wear on me. I began to doubt. I began to wonder if, while waiting for her, we should just "run over and get a second child" so at least we'd be doing something, able to love on someone, while we wait for her. I even began emailing my husband pics of other children who are waiting, suggesting we go over now for one of them, thinking maybe we should just adopt two while we are over there (you know, save on airline fees of two trips, lol), etc. I'm pretty sure he thought I was almost certifiable. But, loving husband that he is, he was patient, he was kind. He just reassured me that he was confident in where we are.

(On a somewhat side note, I believe I've mentioned on here that faith is my spiritual gift. It most definitely is. However, I'm learning the one area where this gifting is not as strong is when it comes to my children! Definitely something to work on...)

There have been so many road blocks, so many times where we just.didn't.know. what we needed to. We've been in this waiting phase for so long, while I "watch" others in my adoption groups online come in after me, get matched, go get their child and come home. It's a blessing to watch their stories unfold and share in their joy and learn from their journeys. But it is also so heart-wrenchingly difficult. I just keep thinking, "We are here, ready for this child. She is there, ready for parents. WHY is this so difficult to accomplish?!?!" And that is where my faith grew weak, my questions grew stronger, and the doubt crept in. I began to wonder if I was ready to throw in the towel and just ask our agency to look for another referral...

Instead, I emailed our contact, who is gradually becoming a friend, to see if there was something, anything she knew about our little girl's paperwork process. She emailed back with what is possibly the best news we've had outside of finding out her name and DOB! Not only did her paperwork head off to the Provincial headquarters in June (which likely means it's at the main headquarters, file complete, ready to be handed out!!) BUT she also told us that in the last few months, the other agency, the one who has a partnership with our daughter's area, who could likely get her file, who was our BIGGEST hurdle (bc if they did, it was over, we'd never get her file, as they don't transfer them to other agencies)...THEY NO LONGER HAVE THAT PARTNERSHIP!!!! They no longer receive the majority of referrals from that area!!!! Our chances of actually getting or finding her file just increased dramatically!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Now, I will not say that this makes things easy, because we still have a lot to do to actually get her file. It is still an uphill battle. We still will need God to work miracles in order for this to happen. But we have surpassed one of 3 great hurdles that could keep us from getting her! We are in a better position than we've ever been in our process! And I...well I have renewed hope. Just when I nearly threw in the towel and questioned everything I'd believed to be true about this process up til now...God moved a mountain for us, for little 'ol me. I said it on FB, but quite honestly, after months of basically faking it, trying to plug into life when all I wanted to do was be alone and cry, I honestly, truly had a great day. Life, for that moment, felt normal. It was such a blessing.

So after discussing it with my husband, and gathering as much information as we could, we took another step of faith. We asked our agency to petition our daughter's government for her file. We'd been told before we should only ask ONE more time. We did. So we wait. And pray and pray and pray. The new "list" comes out late this evening. If our agency hasn't heard back on her file, they will be searching the list for it, hoping that if we don't find it that it wasn't there yet, rather than that someone else got it before we could. Once again, I will be a basket case today...trying to keep myself busy.

Will you please pray with us? Join us in petitioning our Father on behalf of the daughter we so desperately want to bring home. Pray her file truly is there. Pray for softened hearts in her government officials. Pray we either receive or find her file this week. And please, please, pray for peace...peace in our hearts for whichever path God takes us on next in this journey to our little girl.