I remember the events of that weekend so vividly. We were busy planning for my husband's graduation and incoming family. Due to a change in the date of the graduation itself, we were spending one weekend having the graduation and the following weekend having his celebration party. We had family coming in both weekends. We were busy trying to figure out who all was coming on which weekend and where we'd put everyone to sleep.
My mom and step-dad had decided to come in on Sunday morning in time for an early lunch to celebrate Mother's Day and would stay through the graduation Monday night before heading back to KS. My husband's mom and step-dad were coming in on Monday afternoon and would be staying for the graduation that night and leaving Tuesday morning. Daddy had decided it was most important for him to be there for the graduation itself. We thought he'd be riding with one of my brothers when one of them came in. We'd been texting back and forth about it all week, trying to solidify plans.
I spoke with him on Wednesday on my way to pick up our daughter from preschool. I was so excited to tell him about how we'd decided to home school the two younger boys. We talked for a while about our plans for school and how we were all anticipating a great year ahead. I also let him know about the commercial my husband had been asked to shoot. He was so very happy and told me to make sure I told Sean how proud he was of him. I told him I had to run in to get our daughter so I'd talk to him later. We each said "I love you bunches" and hung up the phone. That was the last time I talked to my daddy...
Two days later I texted him to let him know neither of my brothers would be able to come down for the graduation, gave him the times our moms were both coming in and told him I hoped he'd still be able to make it. Around the same time my brother also texted him to let him know he wasn't able to go. Around 4:30 that afternoon we all got a group text from daddy. It simply said "I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND SEAN'S GRADUATION, MUCH TO MY REGRET."
It was clear from the "all caps" message that he was upset. Was he angry? Was he disappointed? Did he, dear God, did he think there wouldn't be room? That he wouldn't be wanted there? That he was insignificant enough that he wouldn't be missed??? These are the horrible, heart wrenching things running through my mind every.single.day since May 12th.
You see, after he sent that text that day, he turned off his phone. He never turned it back on. I have no idea what he did for the 41 hours between the time he sent that last text message until he breathed his last breath. I have no idea what he was thinking or feeling. I know that he was likely disappointed he wouldn't make it. I know he was probably frustrated.
I just wish that wasn't how things ended. I wish...well...I don't know what I wish. I wish I knew how to handle this better. I wish I knew how to move on easier. I wish I knew how to let myself grieve. Unfortunately, I've kind of put myself on auto-pilot, going through the motions of every day life, the dealings of a family of 6, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. I've been going going going, moving from one thing to another, afraid that if I stop long enough to allow myself to feel anything, that I may never recover...
You see, I'm a daddy's girl. Always have been. And I just don't know how to keep going without him in my life. I keep wanting to text him, to call him, to check on him to see how he's feeling, to see what he's up to, to tell him something funny or awesome about one of the kids. I just want more time. I want more.
As hard as this is, as impossible as it seems to get through, one thing I know for certain. I have no idea how I would even be doing as well as I am if I didn't have the peace of knowing I'll see my daddy again. I can't imagine not resting in the assurance of his salvation. Even though I cannot see it now, I know in my heart this too shall pass. I know that little by little, day by day, I will begin to feel like myself again. I know that, some day, while a piece of my heart will still be missing, it won't hurt as badly as it does now. I know that someday I'll be able to look at my children, my nieces and nephews, my siblings and my husband, and smile...knowing how daddy would've loved to be there.
For now, I cling to the hope I have in Christ, the future I will have with my daddy in heaven one day. And although the majority of me is still just trying to hold it together, trying not to lose it, trying to get by, a small part of me is rejoicing as I picture my daddy, fully enjoying his new found time in the presence of our Savior. That helps me smile.
0 comments:
Post a Comment