Strangely Dim

I swear I could write about 150 blog posts on this whole adoption thing and each one would be a different topic. Sometimes the days run together, other times each day seems to bring something new. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster most days. The waiting is hard...harder than I imagined. I have no idea how hard it will be once we have a specific file and know that we are simply counting down the days til we hold our little girl.

I've been using the term "raw" in a number of posts lately. But it's the only word I have found that accurately describes how I feel on so many things. It's literally like an open wound and when something comes near it, it burns from being so...raw, so laid bare.

When I was pregnant with our other 4 children, while I couldn't control the details of what was going on inside me, I could definitely control things like diet, exercise, stress...all those things that would be poor contributors to my child. But adoption is so much different. There's this piece of me that exists in the form of a little girl half way around the world. I can't touch her, hold her, comfort her, bathe her, feed her, see her or hear her. There is absolutely nothing I can do for her.

All I can do is wait. Wait and pray. Pray that she's safe. Pray that she's fed. Pray that she's warm. Pray that she's held. Pray that she's loved.

Sometimes I find myself going through these Facebook groups for those adopting, searching out information. It's a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it's awesome to connect with other parents who are in the same boat, who can fully appreciate exactly what we're going through and lend advice to help us. On the other hand, it can be information overload, causing me to second guess everything. Did we sign with the right agency? Why are things taking so long? Should I call somewhere else? Should I look into this or that? It's enough to drive me crazy. Today was one of those days. I'd decided I was going to make a call. I wanted more information and I wasn't willing to let the process take it's course. I was going to do the footwork myself. Forget that there's a system in place for a reason...I was on a mission.

And then I talked to my husband. :)  Am I the only one who has a marriage where when one of us is nearly going crazy, the other one is completely holding it together? That's the way it works at our house. Thankfully, God has paired me with a wise, discerning man! He talked me through my concerns and my "plan". I wasn't buying his ideas though. I still thought I knew better. But I waited. I went to the gym and ran some errands. I thought and thought and thought til I didn't wanna think about any of it anymore. I was so confused. I was so stressed out. I'm beginning to realize I might have a control issue...or two. ;)

And then this song came on the radio. Am I also the only one who hears the voice of God through music? I sure hope not! It's both beautiful and reassuring at the same time. Music has always spoken to me...whether I was a teen getting over a crush or now, when I'm a mama on a mission who is learning patience. Anyway, here is the song. I hope it speaks to you like it spoke to me...(and no, I didn't make those phone calls.)  :)

Strangely Dim
by Francesca Battistelli

I've got all these plans piled up sky high

A thousand dreams on hold

And I don't know why,

I got a front row seat

To the longest wait

And I just can't see

Past the things I pray

Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are

Then every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim 

All my worries fade

And fall to the ground

Cause when I seek Your face

And don't look around

Any place I'm in

Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand

On this narrow road

Is in a raging storm

Or a valley low

But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are

Then every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim

All my worries fade

And fall to the ground

Cause when I seek Your face

And don't look around

Any place I'm in

Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know

What tomorrow may hold

But I know, but I know

That You're holding it all

So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are

'Til every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim

Let all my worries fade

And fall to the ground

I'm gonna seek Your face

And not look around

Til the place I'm in

Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

I pray that somehow this means as much to you as it does to me today.