Peace

Last night we were forced to make one of the hardest decisions of our lives. As many of you know, we've praying and waiting for this little girl we came across by accident. We've been following her file and praying to hear soon that she is "paperwork ready" and that her file has graciously been assigned to our agency. The March "list" came out last night, and we received a referral. However, it was not the file we'd been hoping for, but one for a different little girl.

She met all of the criteria we'd asked for when applying to adopt. She was only 7 months older than the little girl we'd been praying over. She was located within an hour of the city where we will spend our entire 2nd week of our trip, which means our travel would've been considerably easier. And SHE. WAS. ADORABLE. A little girl, half a world away, needing a home, needing parents, needing someone to simply say "yes".

I cried. I believe I used the phrase "I think I'm gonna throw up" at least 4 times. I cried more. My husband even got teary-eyed (that doesn't happen people). It was heart-wrenching. It was raw. It was...horrible. We truly had no idea what to do. We were at a complete loss. We thought we were headed one direction and, in a moment, we were questioning everything we'd believed up until that point. It was by far the hardest decision of our lives. How do you contemplate two beautiful little girls, identical in need, and choose only ONE?

Once again, I found myself crying out to God, Jehovah-Shalom, to give me peace...to give US peace. We looked over every inch of her file, and her photos...oh God, the photos...did I mention she was adorable?? We talked about our gut feelings. I told my husband I was completely on the fence. On the one hand, I felt so strongly God had brought us through so much, answered so many specific prayers for the little girl who had already stolen our hearts. Did deciding on a little girl who was available now mean we didn't trust God to bring us any further, to deliver on what we had specifically prayed for? Was that taking the easy way out? Because, in so many ways, saying "yes" to this new little girl would be easier. On the other hand, was this God closing that door? Was this His "something better" that we'd told our children He would give us if He didn't give us the little one we'd been praying over? I was, as I said before, at a complete loss. Sitting smack dab on the fence with no clue what to do.

I asked what his thoughts were. He was very quiet. He admitted he didn't want to tell me. He said he was scared. He reminded me, for probably the 1 millionth time (true story), how he isn't drawn to other people's children. He's really not a kid-person. Ironic, I know, as we are going on FIVE kids. He loves our kids. He loves being a dad. In fact, one of his biggest fears about adopting was how he knew he felt about children who were not his own. He was afraid of bringing home a child that he might not see as his own. Although I am not built that way, I TOTALLY get that. I think that's the case for many people. We all love our own kids, but someone else's? Eh, take 'em or leave 'em, it's just not the same as the way you look at your own. So I get it. And I love the heart of my husband, who has such discernment that he does not want to deny a child the genuine love of a father.

Then he told me, from the moment he laid eyes on that first little girl, he knew he could love her as his own. He didn't understand it, how that could be (my husband, who is very logical, where everything-needs-to-make-sense and I-need-to-see-a-plan-before-deciding). For him to love a little girl in a picture as if she were his own was HUGE. It was simply from God, an answer to prayer, I believe. He also said it was not the same feeling when he looked at this new little girl. "Are we horrible for thinking about saying no?" he asked, as he voiced aloud our mutual concern. "Or is that just worrying more about what other people will think?"

In that moment, a complete peace washed over me. My doubts vanished. I was no longer on the fence. You see, what I haven't told (most of) you until now is that early on, when I was praying over this first little girl, I was scared. I have a tendency to jump in with both feet and ask questions later (I know, big surprise there). But with this, my heart being completely drawn to a simple image of this child, I knew I needed discernment. I needed something to show me that it wasn't just my wishful thinking falling in love with a child I'd found, but the leading of the Holy Spirit. For days I had searched my heart, trying to know what to pray, how to ask God to show me if I should be feeling the way I did. And in one moment, way back in December, I knew what to pray. I told God that if I was supposed to feel this way, if we were supposed to pursue this little girl, it needed to come from my husband. You see, faith is my spiritual gift. It comes naturally. It always has. I worry very little, almost never in fact. But my husband is very practical, very logical...he needs everything to make sense. So I left it at the feet of God and resolved not to say another word about this little girl. On the way home from celebrating Christmas at my parents house a few weeks later, as we were talking in the car, he said,

 "If I tell you something, do you promise not to freak out on me?"
 "Um, ok, what's up?" I said.
 And he sat there...contemplating whether or not to continue. "It just doesn't make sense."
"Huh?"
"It doesn't make sense"
"What doesn't?" I asked, thoroughly confused.
He remained silent, nearly driving me batty. Lol
"I shouldn't feel this way about a little girl I've never met."
BOOM. THANK YOU JESUS. I was smiling from ear to ear, naturally.
"I TOLD you not to freak out!!" he said when he saw my face.
"I'm not. But I have something to tell you." And I proceeded to share with him my previous conversation with God.

I share all that to say this: God knew what my heart needed then. And He knew what it needed last night. In the moment Sean shared his heart, I knew. God was leading me, once again, through the discerning heart of my unknowing husband. He and I both felt a love for that little girl for a reason. And for the same reason, we were not drawn to this second little girl. Maybe that sounds horrible to some of you. After all, she needs a home like every other orphan on the planet. But we serve a BIG God. And we believe He created a specific little girl for our family. One of them was our daughter. The other is someone else's. To say "yes" would be to keep her from the home she was created for.

So we wait. And pray. And we stand firm in our decision to fight for her, this specific little girl, until God Himself closes that door--or brings her home forever. Right now, it's still wide open. So we still wait...with a peace that TRULY passes all understanding.