Tomorrow...

Tomorrow.

It's finally here.

Tomorrow I will see your face for the first time, from the same room. Tomorrow I will hold you. Tomorrow I will wipe your tears. Tomorrow...I will introduce myself. I'm Mama. I'm YOUR Mama. Tomorrow that becomes reality for us both, as our lives are changed forever.

And yet, tomorrow. Tomorrow you leave everything you've ever known. Someone you've likely never met will come to your door just after breakfast. Your foster mama will give you one last kiss. And I imagine she will cry herself as she watches you leave, as she watches you cry, unable to explain to you, to help you understand all that is happening--and that it is for your good. She will share in the pain of the beauty that is unfolding, unbeknownst to you. I imagine it will tear her heart in two. I can only pray that she finds solace in her work, in her love for you, in the time she had to be your mama, showing you the love you deserved when you needed it most. Every single photograph of the two of you echos her deep love for you. I pray that we are able to remind you often, and never let you forget, exactly how much she loved you, how she sacrificed for you.

I am a complete mess of emotions when I consider the morning. Oh how I wish you could understand how long I have prayed for this day, how I have longed to hold you all these years. I am utterly humbled at the mountains God Himself has moved to bring us to this day, to make our family whole. It leaves me speechless. I pray with every fiber of my being that one day you will see that, while He does not intend for families to be broken, He has chosen to use this story for the greater good, to use YOU to bring glory to His name...so that others might see Him more clearly. He has great plans for you, Little One. Your story is only beginning.

My heart is also breaking, knowing what you will go through very soon. I will have a front row seat to your grief. I will see every ounce of pain in your eyes and feel it like a knife in my soul with every sob that leaves your lips. It tears at my very being when I consider your fear, your confusion, your heartache. The sheer terror of being handed over to strangers who look and sound and smell nothing like you, who take you away from everything you've ever known...I cannot begin to fathom. It eats at me to consider what you must endure over the coming hours, days, weeks and months. You joining our family is truly bittersweet.

I am not new to this mom job, and yet in so many ways I feel so completely inadequate to fill this role in your life. There is so much I don't know, so much I will never know, so many questions that will forever go unanswered. And yet...I know the One who knows every single answer, the One who knows every detail of our future. I know that He will hold you and comfort you better than I ever could. I know that He will walk with us through every single difficult step that lies ahead. He has greater things in store for you. I know, because He loves you more than I ever could. And YOU are living proof that God answers prayer, not always in the way we ask, but in exactly the way, at exactly the time that we need it most.

Tomorrow, sweet girl, you are an orphan no more. I will spend every day of my life, from here on out, telling you just how loved, how cherished, how wanted you are. You are mine and I am yours. Tomorrow, forever and always.

~Mama

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."

                                                                                               ~1 Samuel 1:27

Why NOT Me?

Not gonna lie. This week has been hard. REALLY hard. Since last Thursday, Aug 18th, we've been waiting for Travel Approval so we can nail down appointment times and ultimately travel plans. We're doing everything we can to make September travel a reality...to get to our girl as fast as humanly possible.

For the last month or so, Travel Approvals have been averaging a week or less, many even coming in 4-5 days...some at a whopping 2 days! I was SO excited to get to this point for two reasons. First, because it's the LAST thing we need. After Travel Approval is issued all we are waiting on is boarding a plane when our day comes! And second, because I was under the impression this part would go fast. It depends somewhat on the agency you are with, as they seem to be processed by agency. Our agency is known for lightening fast TAs. I truly truly expected to have it in 3 days or less. And here we sit on day 9...with no TA.

With every passing day, my frustration and heartache have mounted. We have hit roadblocks at every single step of this process, save one. ONE. One step in the process (Article 5 issuance) went like clockwork. ONE. I cannot explain how frustrating, exhausting and utterly heartbreaking it is to do everything within your power to bring your child home and have only ONE step go as planned. So many days I have felt completely defeated. So many nights I've gone to bed begging God to be at work on her side of the world. So many mornings I've gone without news, or gotten bad news, on our process and wondered why on earth we have to fight at every step, why on earth WE have to struggle, why on earth our process has to take years when I have friends who've brought home THREE babies from there on THREE separate trips and I JUST. WANT. MY. GIRL. My one child. Just ONE. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this?

I cried out to God in my anger and pain and frustration. WHY ME??

And then a still, small voice whispered to my heart, "Why NOT me?"

I'm not different than anyone else. I'm no better than anyone else. My daughter is no more deserving of a forever family than the other MILLIONS of children also waiting.

The reality is, our world is broken. Pain and heartache and loss and death and suffering are rampant. From the moment Eve first sinned and Adam followed suit, our world was forever broken. We ALL became sinners that day, no one better or more important than another. We ALL deserve so much less than we are given. We are ALL separated from God by our sin. But God...

God brings life. God brings healing. God brings restoration to families. God binds up the brokenhearted. God fills the void only HE can. God makes us whole. And GOD'S plan is so far better than my own...

I know that He has a plan for my daughter. I know that He has a plan for our family. So WHY would I want anything less than His very best for each of us?? WHY would I want to try to control the outcome on my terms when so many times I've proven that is the worst possible path? I'm realizing there is a purpose in the journey, not just in the destination.

He is bringing my issues to light. He is showing me where I fall short. He is showing me where I need to grow. He is making me more like Him with each step of this process...bringing me to my knees and learning to rely not on my own understanding. He is showing me over and over that I'M not in control, but HE is...and that is so much better than I could imagine.

So we wait...yet again. Only this time, with renewed hope, with renewed faith in the One who loves our daughter more than we ever could. He has OUR best in His plan. He has HER best in His plan. And that's worth waiting for...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight."             ~Proverbs 3:5-6

31 & 9

31 DAYS, 9 HOURS...

That's all that *likely* stands between us. I say "likely" because it will be another week or so until we have it all confirmed and locked in.

31 DAYS, 9 HOURS...

...til I see you face to face
...til I look into your eyes as you look into mine
...til I can touch you
...til I can hold you
...til I can forever and always call you mine

It's taken forever to get here. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years... SO many years. So many moments lost. I missed your first smile, your first word, your first steps. I didn't get to hold you the first time you fell down or comfort you the first time you were sick. I've completely missed two surgeries. Were you scared? Alone? Was someone there to hold you? To tell you it would all be ok? I missed you first sleeping through the night, your first hugs, your first kisses...

I often wonder what all you understand. I know they've told you about us. I know you've seen our pictures. But you're so very little. There's only so much I really believe you can grasp. And when I stop to consider what we will ask you to go through in just a few short weeks...it nearly breaks me. I don't want to see you scared. I don't want to make you cry. There is nothing beautiful about tearing you away from the only family you've ever known...

It's all moving so fast now. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... Moments are fleeting. There is so much left to do. Your quilt isn't ready, your bed needs fixed, your things need to be organized and put away. You need doctor appointments and dental appointments and speech therapy lined up. We need to schedule post-placement appointments and make meals for the freezer. So many things left to do and it's all flying by in a whirlwind.

Before you know it, I will be there...

...and I will look into your eyes
...and I will take your hand
...and I will stroke your hair
...and I will wipe your tears
...and I will hold you if you'll let me
...and I will tell you every single day from now until my dying breath that you are always and forever mine...

Father, prepare her heart. Prepare our hearts. Let her see us in her dreams, giving her glimpses of forever. Reassure her that she is safe...that she is loved. Allow her to enjoy these last few weeks in her China home...and forever cement these moments to her memory, so she can treasure them always. Give us wisdom in our meeting, that we will comfort her the way she needs it most. Allow our trip, for each of us, to truly be about her, about storing up memories to share with her later, to take in all that we can of her country and her culture, so that they will always be honored in our home. Protect each of us from illness from now until we are all home safe. Bring us peace and focus in the days that remain...until we are finally FINALLY a family of 7, all in one place.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."       
                                                                                     ~Philippians 4:6-7

**We covet your prayers for our girl and our journey. It is coming SOON!!

When Reality Hits Hard

Many times I've tried to explain to my kids all the possible thoughts and feelings that their little sister might be feeling once she's with us. I try to give them even a glimpse of the harsh reality of what it would be like. I remind them:

"Imagine how you've spent all this time in our family, with a mom and dad and siblings. You have a home. Now imagine that one day we took you to an office downtown, kissed you good bye and wished you well with your new family. Then we left you with this new couple. They don't look like you, don't smell like you, don't even speak English. You spend two weeks with them here in America, and then they take you on a plane to their home country. Nothing is like it was at home. You have to learn a new language, in the middle of people who seem to be nothing like you. Imagine this is your new reality and you never see us again."

This is hard to hear. It stops you in your tracks. It might even make your heart hurt and make you tear up. It does for me. It sometimes does for my kids too--when they stop and think about it. It's easy as an adult to reassure myself that it will all be ok. It might be really hard in the beginning, and I know it's for her best, so I know she will eventually adjust...

But today was different. Today broke my heart and brought me to my knees. I am watching my friend's daughter for a couple of hours. She loves to play with my daughter and it's even better that she's the same age as our new little one. It gives us all a glimpse into life with another little one running around and we LOVE it. We love her.

But about an hour into her visit today, Little Miss came to find me. I got down eye to eye with her to find out what she needed. With tears on the edges of her eyes, threatening to spill over, she looked up at me and said "um, I miss my mommy." This was not new. She usually says this once or twice when she's over to play. I reassured her that in just a couple of hours Mommy would be back to pick her up and that it was almost time to play in the sprinkler. With that, she was just fine, and went on her way to get her swimsuit on.

And then it hit me...like a ton of bricks. My daughter is the same age. My daughter will have the same fear, the same longing, the same tears as she desperately wants her "mommy". But she won't be able to tell me. She won't be able to use her words to share her hurt. It will be a while before we speak the same language. She likely won't even trust me enough to tell me if she could--because she won't know me, won't be familiar with me at all. In reality, she will be alone, in a world of hurt, for weeks, if not months, at first. And this breaks me. It tears apart my mama heart, because all I want to do is make the world alright for her...to calm her fears, to heal her hurts, to let her know I will never leave her, and will always ALWAYS love her more than life itself. The harsh truth is, as much as I want to do that, it will be quite a while before I can do that for her. The reality of this hit me hard today. And it sucks.

Would you please pray for our girl today? Pray for her heart, for the hurt she will face. Pray for our relationship...that while she won't know me, that she'll begin to trust me, to come to me for comfort when she's hurting. And pray for her mama. The gravity that this woman, who has raised her for the last 3.5 years, will very soon have to kiss her goodbye, likely to never see her again, is not lost on me. Please pray that God would comfort her pain, reassuring her that she is doing the very best for this child she loves so very much.

Sometimes life is bittersweet, but I am confident that beauty will be found in these ashes...

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. 
   They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
                                                                                                               --Isaiah 61: 3

Thank you for being our village, for covering us in prayer.

Life As Her Mom

I wasn't planning on writing again today. I just wrote yesterday and y'all know I'm great at going MONTHS between posts. But a simple email today had me so full of emotion that I knew I needed to put it out here...to honor all the adoptive mamas in my life.

You see, it's exhausting some days...many days...being her mom. I'm going to state right now what I assume to be true, but I will acknowledge there will be exceptions. MANY ADOPTIONS BEGIN AND END WITH MOMS.

It's usually our heartstrings that are pulled to love these children. It's usually our desire to reach out and do something, anything, for them. I believe that's the way God designed us.

Please don't get me wrong. I also know of hesitant moms who had the dads pushing them to adopt; the dads were the ones who felt the call first. But I believe that they're in the minority. And being that I am a mom, I write as such. But for you DADS out there who were the first in your marriage to pursue adoption, this is also for you...

It starts with us. Our desire to love. Our desire to help. Our desire to care for the ones who cannot care for themselves. I believe God gave each of us (YOU included, dear reader) the ability to love beyond our visible means, beyond what seems "logical". So we start this process.

And I'm willing to bet the same ones who start it are the ones who do all of the behind the scenes work. All the paperwork, the phone calls, the appointments, the follow up, the calling again, the emailing, the list making, the planning, the stalking of waiting child websites wondering if you're looking at the face of your future child (you KNOW y'all did it too). Our other halves do what they need to when they need to, don't get me wrong. But in every family there is one who does the bulk of the paper chase.

So we, typically, are also the ones who are over-emotional at every step. We are the ones solely tuned in to the next thing that needs done. We are the ones hounding agencies and caseworkers and stalking current processing timelines to figure out when to best expect that step to begin or be complete.

It is a day job on top of our day job.

This means, when something doesn't go as planned, when something gets messed up, WE ARE A HOT MESS. Both parents are emotionally invested, but for those in the thick of the paperwork, we are always "on". We are wrapped up in the daily emotional, not just the big picture emotional. And it is exhausting.

It can also be lonely. Your husband/wife that is not doing the paper chase? They are doing just what they need to be doing, so don't nag on them for it. But many times, they won't get where you are, how emotionally invested you are at every step. And that's ok--they would only understand if they were the ones doing it. But it can make it lonely sometimes when they don't get it. And that's why our network of fellow adoptive parents who are in the same muck we are, are so vital...to our sanity, to our process, to our hearts. They give us a place to vent, to cry, to pray with each other--in a way that no one else can. Because they can truly empathize. It's like having your very best friend in it with you, only you've never actually met face to face. Crazy but it's true. These mamas have saved my husband from listening to yet another adoptive rant on more than one occasion. LOL.

So all this to say, I believe the hardest part of it all is feeling like you're the ONLY one actively fighting for your kiddo. Your agency means well, you caseworker means well, the doctors, public officials, etc...they have no clue, they're just doing their jobs. But it FEELS as though, day in and day out, you have to be on your A-Game. You have to be on top of it, making sure everything is getting done right, everything is ready for the next step, calling or emailing (or both) to your agency to be sure they remember what has to be done for YOUR case today. It can be overwhelming.

Because of this, when you find someone who is willing to go out of their way to help you, you may burst into a million tears. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who don't just do their job, they go above and beyond it. They don't just look into something, they follow up with you! They email YOU back! They keep YOU informed, rather than leaving you to check back in with them. It's those moments that I absolutely love--because they are so few and far between.

Today was one of those days for me. I had called our Congressman's office yesterday to see if they could help push our passports through the correction department faster. His assistant made sure I filled out all the paperwork, then emailed me two or three other times to ask for additional info. I honestly assumed I'd have to check back with him in a day or two and see if he'd heard back.

But he was one of those people. He went above and beyond. He had already emailed me when I woke up this morning, letting me know they'd found our passports at a specific office and that he was off to inquire about them right then.

I emailed him back to thank him--to genuinely thank him from the bottom of my heart. Because for the first time in over a year, the first time since we'd worked with our previous agency, in fact--I felt like I was not the only one fighting for our daughter. And I told him just that. I let him know how grateful I was and that regardless of the outcome, it blessed me to feel like someone else was fighting for her with us.

And then I bawled like a baby.

She is worth every minute of this fight. She is worth every tear shed, in joy and in pain. She is worth every phone call, every appointment, every email, every frustration, every step in what has been a crazy long, awful, beautiful process. And in his words, my hubby "has so much to do at work" that it allows him the ability to push back his emotion in this process. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think our kiddos could handle two emotionally charged parents. LOL.

So I write all of this to be real, to be open, to be honest. It is beautiful and it is heart breaking. It is joyful and it is frustrating as all get out. And I thank God every day for my rock solid husband who keeps me stable, as well as the fellow mamas/babas who truly "get me" and my crazy in this mess, and for this stranger in the Congressman's office who is doing more than just his "job".

Purpose In The Journey

Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Baffled. Hurt. Confused. Broken...

These are just some of the myriad of feelings I've had this past week. We found out that our names are incorrect on our dossier--well, that Sean's last name is spelled with a space and mine is not--so essentially two different last names for all intents and purposes. And because our passports were spelled with a space (not matching our legal name that DOESN'T include a space), they not only have to be redone, but until they are and we've sent copies of the corrected passports to China, they refuse to proceed at all on our adoption process...

One step forward, ten steps back.

But this has been our entire process to date, so why should I be surprised? Hhhhhhh....

Instead, I'm learning. Learning patience, learning trust, learning to prepare (even more) to be her mama. In my weakest moments, I like to have a pity party and liken myself to Job...because, ya know, we're so similar and all...me with my waiting for a child a few months longer than expected, and him with his family dying, losing all he owns, dealing with severe illness and becoming an outcast. Yeah, we're JUST alike...sheesh. I EXCEL at pity parties, y'all.

The reality is, I'm leaning less on myself and more on God. I'm learning HIS timing is perfect and mine is not. I'm learning that it's more about the journey than the destination...because He is shaping me and molding me to be more like HIM and less like me.

I've always been frustrated when people tell me "well ya know there must be a reason this happened." I don't believe it. And I read a blog post on it just the other day, where the writer explained my sentiments exactly. She shared how she believes what happens is just the reality of living in a broken world, separated from God. It's just our "human experience" as she put it. The IMPORTANT part is how we deal with the journey.

Do we whine? Do we complain? Do we fret and worry and try to handle it in our own strength? Or do we turn to the One who's in control and learn to lean on Him, to trust Him, to be more like Him in our struggle? Are we drawing others closer to Christ in the way we react to the blows life deals? Are we showing others that, while life may deal us a lousy hand, a lousy day, a lousy situation, we will continue to gain strength from the One who can sustain us through it all?

I have been on both sides of the coin. I have allowed things in this process to make me an emotional mess at times. I have cried, yelled, even cursed God in my frustration and pain. But other times, I've allowed Him to fill my heart with the peace that passes understanding. I've let Him calm my soul in a way only He can. I've allowed myself to pour my heart out to a loving Father, to give Him my burdens and pain and heartbreak...and to let Him hold my heart the way ONLY He can. And let me tell you--the latter is the only way to go.

So this song has become my prayer. I hope it blesses you as it has me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wb_WD1emFQ

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   Phil. 4: 6-7

When Answers Don't Meet Expectations

I've had a number of people tell how amazed they are at my faith, at how "strong" I've been through this adoption, how big my faith is. It always blows me away because I've struggled this entire time. I've gone back and forth between trusting God and yelling at Him. I've cried, I've cursed, I've praised, I've begged...you name it. But HE HAS KEPT ME GOING. He, and He alone, has kept me strong, kept me moving forward, kept me on the path to my daughter. I've said it many times to friends, this is not who I normally am. Usually, I'm the one not stressing, not focused on what's next, because I KNOW God's got this... whatever "this" is at the moment. My husband is the one who usually needs to see the plan before moving forward, to see the outline of where we're headed. It's not that he lacks faith--he just comes by his differently than I do. And yet, in this process, we have switched roles entirely. He's the calm, cool, worry-free, God's got this, person. And I am the one wanting to know what's next, needing the plan, seeking confirmation of the steps ahead. It drives me nuts. LOL.

So all that to say, I'm learning. I'm learning that God brings us through trials the same as He brings us through triumphs, but He uses them to teach us...to teach us more about ourselves, about each other, about Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, and about His great love for us. You see, if I had planned this process, we would've been home 3 years ago. But 3 years ago (yesterday), I lost my dad. God knew Daddy was going home that day. And He knew the absolute, barely functioning enough for my current family, version of myself that I would be for the next 18 months. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.

If I had planned this process, I'd have had us home 2 years ago. But 2 years ago we'd just moved to a new state, half a day's drive from any friends or family, and we weren't settled yet. God knew it would be chaos. He knew I'd be trying to get us settled in a new home, trying to find us a new normal for homeschool, trying to find my way around a new city to find us new, regular doctors for our healthy family. He knew I would struggle to add in multiple doctor appointments for our daughter and all that her needs will demand in those first months home. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.

If I had planned this process, I'd have had us home a year ago. But a year ago, we were finding out her file wouldn't be available to our original agency. In fact, not only would we have to change agencies, we'd have to use the savings we'd put aside for the kids to go with us just to pay for changing to this agency. He knew that we wouldn't be able to take the kids with us to meet their sister that they had prayed for all these years. He knew I had relationships to build with our neighbors yet, neighbors who have been our village this last year and who truly have our backs. He knew I still needed to meet more adoptive mamas, needed to learn more about my daughter's needs, needed to find her just the right doctors. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be her mama then.

You see, I'm learning God's answers don't always meet my expectations, they don't always line up with MY plan. When we decided to adopt, one of my biggest prayers was that God would allow my daddy, who we knew had limited time, to meet this little girl he had prayed so desperately over. But God's answer was no. He knew that, with daddy's poor health, we couldn't move when we had the chance 6 months after his passing. If we didn't move, we wouldn't have access to the doctors we have now, we wouldn't have the new friendships that I know will be so vital to our girl growing up. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to have Daddy here with us, to meet his new granddaughter, to hear him laugh one more time. But God's plans are so far better than mine, and I can see that now, looking back.

I prayed desperately for my daughter to come home, every single day, every single week, every single month, every single year...since the day I laid eyes on her. But God knew we wouldn't be ready, He knew I wouldn't be ready, and I'm sure, He knew she wouldn't be ready. She needs a mama who's not in the midst of grieving her own father, one who's not in the midst of moving, of making a new life, of making new friends, of trying to settle in to a new normal. She needs a mama who is prepared, educated on her needs, has plans and people in place to make her transition as smooth as possible.

In all of the trials, in all of the struggle. in all of the wait and the pain and the heartache...God is good. And He knows far better than I what is best for me, for our family, for our girl. He has worked all things for our good. He has been in every detail. He has orchestrated every moment of this process til now. And I am learning to trust, to have greater faith, because He has proven Himself faithful through it all.

His answers aren't meeting my expectations, they are exceeding them...and I am so very grateful.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to HIM be the glory..."  Eph. 3:20-21

P.S. THIS MAMA IS READY!!!   ;)

Updates, Haircuts & Learning Chinese

Y'all, we are so very blessed. I just can't even. I cannot wait til the day our daughter is old enough to understand, to fully grasp just how loved, just how fought for, just how prayed over, she has been all these years. I pray that it is even more of a blessing to her than it has been to us. Our prayer time last night, with the ladies there, the ones praying from far away, the quiet of the house (because HELLO the kids were gone!). It was pure awesomeness. A much needed healing for my soul. So thank you. We would not be where we are now without each of you.

I had about 15 emails back and forth with our caseworker yesterday. We were apparently emailing at the same time (I know, a phone call would've been faster!) because the minute I would respond, she had emailed me again, so I'd email her and the cycle continued. I had mentioned in one of the emails our prayer time we were going to have and she was so gracious to send me updated pictures!!! When the China staff visited to ask questions they were given pictures taken from just last month. I will say, I praise God because our girl looks healthy and HAPPY. So at least, in this awful wait for us, she is completely unaware. And I want that for her. This transition will be brutally difficult. So for now, I am thankful that she is well.

That being said--they cut her hair again. UGH. It was finally becoming a cute bob and looking like I could maybe do something fun with it!!! Now it's just a rather choppy pixie. It truly looks as though she cut her own hair!! LOL. But those same pics came with more smiles than I have ever seen on her beautiful face--so although I wish they'd let her hair grow, it's just hair. And she rocks it no matter how it's cut.

In the update, we also did confirm that they have the CORRECT file (Praise Jesus) and that it has two more steps to go through--the Provincial Civil Affairs is next, then it's on to the CCCWA, the main government. These can EACH take anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 or more months. Won't you join us in praying for only a matter of weeks? From the time we get the file, we won't travel for around 10 weeks, so even if each of these steps only lasts 2 weeks each, we are still looking at 3.5 MONTHS till we get our girl, and that's not accounting for Chinese New Year, which knocks out another 2 weeks. So if you add that all up, you guessed it! We are currently looking at June travel at the earliest. Hello high priced plane tickets!! The good news is, with the funds we've raised and the time remaining, even though I don't want to pay higher prices for travel, we have the time to save to make up the difference. So I'm counting that as a blessing!

I'm also committing to doing everything I can, to taking every free moment possible, to learn Chinese. It's not easy and I definitely won't be remotely fluent, but my prayer is to be able to know enough to calm my girl, to soothe her in her pain, even a little, by speaking her native language. So if you see me in person, text me, or even talk to me on the phone--ask me how my Chinese is going. PLEASE!! It will help keep me accountable if I know I have people asking me!

Also, this. This is for my daughter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50ygAc2qP5A

Sweet friend, whatever you've got going on, whatever you're facing, whatever you're struggling with right now, let me be the first to say, GOD'S GOT THIS. HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. AND HE WILL NOT LET YOU FALL. I know. I'm living proof that you can keep going even when you feel you've got nothing left.

Blessings,

Prayer & Patience

As a wise writer once penned, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Truer words have never been spoken...

So it seems there's been a little confusion on our part. We believed that the process a file takes to be SWI (Social Welfare Institute), then Provincial Civil Affairs, then CCCWA (main government). So when we were told it had left her city, we were thrilled. We were also confused. Apparently, the process is City, SWI, Provincial CA, CCCWA. Meaning, when we thought her file was headed for the Provincial CA level, it was really only headed to the SWI. So we are further behind in the process than we thought. Obviously (and understandably) this is quite disappointing.

However, we have been asking, repeatedly, for months, and we've been told--REPEATEDLY, that it should move to the Provincial CA in "about two weeks". So after the last update of the same old thing, I emailed our agency again and just poured out my heart and my frustration. I admitted that I was very discouraged and quite weary of waiting and nothing seeming to change. I think at that point they finally looked back at all of the updates we were receiving and realized that they had repeatedly been told the same thing. I can understand how, with so many adoptive families, the details of one can be easily overlooked...

So today I received an email out of the blue, explaining that our caseworker emailed China and basically said, "Can we figure out what is going on because the family is frustrated, we're being told the same thing with no changes, and this child has waited long enough!" GLORY HALLELUJAH, finally I feel like my exact thoughts were sent to China!!!! Until now it's been more of a "hey would you mind checking on this file for us please?" type of email. So for that, I am thankful!

Also in the email was the response she had received telling her that two of the China staff would be TRAVELING TO HER CITY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS. I cried. Big 'ol mama tears. I feel as if an extension of myself is actually actively pursuing our girl--as if they finally get it--as if they are finally FIGHTING for her. So my frustration over the confusion is also covered in hope--the hope that we may finally get some real movement, or at least some real information on where her file is.  It is a baby step, for sure. But I pray that this is just the push they need (and maybe the desire to clear their desks before Chinese New Year!!) to get my girls file further down the road.

So now we wait. But we also pray. Won't you join us? Here are our specific requests:

1. Pray for answers. This journey to her city will be happening TONIGHT our time!! Pray they meet the right people to spur the process forward.

2. Pray for clear paths in China, and for her file to land in the hands of people who believe that she is loved and cherished and needs to come home soon.

3. Pray for me. My mama heart is weary. My anxiety builds the longer we wait. Pray for peace and continued patience throughout the rest of this journey.

4. Pray for our family. Pray that we will be using these last few months as a family of 6 to prepare our hearts for Mei Mei's arrival and all that she will need from each of us, but that we would also be enjoying this time together and not wishing it away.


God has heard my cries and He knows my heart. Even in the struggle, the wait, the pain of not yet holding my daughter, He brings friends, and worship, and divine appointments with others--just when my soul needs them most.  When I am at my lowest, when I feel I've reached the end and I am consumed with it all--He is there. And He renews my hope, and my strength, to go yet another day. My God is good. ALL THE TIME.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."    --Isaiah 40:31