You see, it's exhausting some days...many days...being her mom. I'm going to state right now what I assume to be true, but I will acknowledge there will be exceptions. MANY ADOPTIONS BEGIN AND END WITH MOMS.
It's usually our heartstrings that are pulled to love these children. It's usually our desire to reach out and do something, anything, for them. I believe that's the way God designed us.
Please don't get me wrong. I also know of hesitant moms who had the dads pushing them to adopt; the dads were the ones who felt the call first. But I believe that they're in the minority. And being that I am a mom, I write as such. But for you DADS out there who were the first in your marriage to pursue adoption, this is also for you...
It starts with us. Our desire to love. Our desire to help. Our desire to care for the ones who cannot care for themselves. I believe God gave each of us (YOU included, dear reader) the ability to love beyond our visible means, beyond what seems "logical". So we start this process.
And I'm willing to bet the same ones who start it are the ones who do all of the behind the scenes work. All the paperwork, the phone calls, the appointments, the follow up, the calling again, the emailing, the list making, the planning, the stalking of waiting child websites wondering if you're looking at the face of your future child (you KNOW y'all did it too). Our other halves do what they need to when they need to, don't get me wrong. But in every family there is one who does the bulk of the paper chase.
So we, typically, are also the ones who are over-emotional at every step. We are the ones solely tuned in to the next thing that needs done. We are the ones hounding agencies and caseworkers and stalking current processing timelines to figure out when to best expect that step to begin or be complete.
It is a day job on top of our day job.
This means, when something doesn't go as planned, when something gets messed up, WE ARE A HOT MESS. Both parents are emotionally invested, but for those in the thick of the paperwork, we are always "on". We are wrapped up in the daily emotional, not just the big picture emotional. And it is exhausting.
It can also be lonely. Your husband/wife that is not doing the paper chase? They are doing just what they need to be doing, so don't nag on them for it. But many times, they won't get where you are, how emotionally invested you are at every step. And that's ok--they would only understand if they were the ones doing it. But it can make it lonely sometimes when they don't get it. And that's why our network of fellow adoptive parents who are in the same muck we are, are so vital...to our sanity, to our process, to our hearts. They give us a place to vent, to cry, to pray with each other--in a way that no one else can. Because they can truly empathize. It's like having your very best friend in it with you, only you've never actually met face to face. Crazy but it's true. These mamas have saved my husband from listening to yet another adoptive rant on more than one occasion. LOL.
So all this to say, I believe the hardest part of it all is feeling like you're the ONLY one actively fighting for your kiddo. Your agency means well, you caseworker means well, the doctors, public officials, etc...they have no clue, they're just doing their jobs. But it FEELS as though, day in and day out, you have to be on your A-Game. You have to be on top of it, making sure everything is getting done right, everything is ready for the next step, calling or emailing (or both) to your agency to be sure they remember what has to be done for YOUR case today. It can be overwhelming.
Because of this, when you find someone who is willing to go out of their way to help you, you may burst into a million tears. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who don't just do their job, they go above and beyond it. They don't just look into something, they follow up with you! They email YOU back! They keep YOU informed, rather than leaving you to check back in with them. It's those moments that I absolutely love--because they are so few and far between.
Today was one of those days for me. I had called our Congressman's office yesterday to see if they could help push our passports through the correction department faster. His assistant made sure I filled out all the paperwork, then emailed me two or three other times to ask for additional info. I honestly assumed I'd have to check back with him in a day or two and see if he'd heard back.
But he was one of those people. He went above and beyond. He had already emailed me when I woke up this morning, letting me know they'd found our passports at a specific office and that he was off to inquire about them right then.
I emailed him back to thank him--to genuinely thank him from the bottom of my heart. Because for the first time in over a year, the first time since we'd worked with our previous agency, in fact--I felt like I was not the only one fighting for our daughter. And I told him just that. I let him know how grateful I was and that regardless of the outcome, it blessed me to feel like someone else was fighting for her with us.
And then I bawled like a baby.
She is worth every minute of this fight. She is worth every tear shed, in joy and in pain. She is worth every phone call, every appointment, every email, every frustration, every step in what has been a crazy long, awful, beautiful process. And in his words, my hubby "has so much to do at work" that it allows him the ability to push back his emotion in this process. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think our kiddos could handle two emotionally charged parents. LOL.
So I write all of this to be real, to be open, to be honest. It is beautiful and it is heart breaking. It is joyful and it is frustrating as all get out. And I thank God every day for my rock solid husband who keeps me stable, as well as the fellow mamas/babas who truly "get me" and my crazy in this mess, and for this stranger in the Congressman's office who is doing more than just his "job".
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