First, I should say that we did NOT receive a referral last night. While that is disappointing, it is not surprising. And we are still hopeful! Hopeful that we will receive the file of the specific girl we are praying for to be sent directly to our agency. It doesn't happen often, but it DOES happen! So we remain hopeful.
Second, I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are at peace over this whole process. We knew what we were getting into when we started this, and it's going pretty much exactly like we were told it would. If we underestimated anything, it would be the amount of love we already hold for a little girl we haven't even met yet. But other than that, in the beginning things are paperwork, paperwork, paperwork...now it's just hurry up and wait...and wait...and wait. The last two months we've been eligible to receive a referral. And on "list days" (when the list comes out), I'm a big ball of nervous, excited and anxious. And I can't focus for anything! LOL. And then the list is out, and there's no referral...and I'm a mixture of emotional, frustrated, more anxious, and impatient for the next month's list! It's quite the emotional roller coaster.
And yet...we are not worried. Our frustration, our anxiety, our impatience does not stem from concern if we are doing the right thing, if our daughter will be okay, if the waiting will ever end, if God is still in control...those are not things that even cross our minds. These are simply the emotions of parents waiting desperately to hold their daughter, knowing she is somewhere, half a world away, waiting for that forever love she so deserves...and there's nothing we can do about it. We can only wait...
Third, while I want the waiting to end, to have her here in my arms, there is no part of me that wants to miss the here and now. Life is happening while we wait, and I want very much to remain a part of that. There are 4 other kids in this house who need me, who need us. They have school and friends and activities and love to share and I don't wanna miss one moment of my time with them. I want to help them, to hold them, to love them, and to share with them every part of this difficult journey to bring their little sister home.
So what do I do? I do what I can today. In this moment. I do all I can do for them, for her, for our family as it is and our family as it will be. I help with homework, I oversee chores, I make the meals, keep the house running, calm the arguing...all of the daily family life stuff. I'm also keeping regular contact with our agency for updates, I'm painting/preparing what will be the girls' shared room, I'm reading books and meeting with friends who've come back with their daughters so as to learn as much as possible. And soon I'll be going through Sissy's old clothes to set them out for Mei Mei, and creating a packing list for our trip. I do all of these things, because while I can't do anything from my end on the adoption front, I can certainly participate in life as it is while I prepare for our daughter's arrival. It's all I can do. And I'm loving every minute of it.
I also get to listen to my children's prayers for their little sister, to answer their questions about where she is, what life is like for her, why we can't bring her home now and what we'll do when we go get her. I get to tell them about a little girl, half a world away, that was created just for our family. And when I talk about the specific little girl we are praying over and I call her by name, I get to hear my daughter say, "We call her Mei Mei, Mom." To which I replied, "Well not til we know she's ours." And she looks at me with a smile on her face and says, "Well, I call her Mei Mei..." (then whispers) "...because I love her."
Oh my sweet girl, I love her too. I love her too...
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