Updates, Haircuts & Learning Chinese

Y'all, we are so very blessed. I just can't even. I cannot wait til the day our daughter is old enough to understand, to fully grasp just how loved, just how fought for, just how prayed over, she has been all these years. I pray that it is even more of a blessing to her than it has been to us. Our prayer time last night, with the ladies there, the ones praying from far away, the quiet of the house (because HELLO the kids were gone!). It was pure awesomeness. A much needed healing for my soul. So thank you. We would not be where we are now without each of you.

I had about 15 emails back and forth with our caseworker yesterday. We were apparently emailing at the same time (I know, a phone call would've been faster!) because the minute I would respond, she had emailed me again, so I'd email her and the cycle continued. I had mentioned in one of the emails our prayer time we were going to have and she was so gracious to send me updated pictures!!! When the China staff visited to ask questions they were given pictures taken from just last month. I will say, I praise God because our girl looks healthy and HAPPY. So at least, in this awful wait for us, she is completely unaware. And I want that for her. This transition will be brutally difficult. So for now, I am thankful that she is well.

That being said--they cut her hair again. UGH. It was finally becoming a cute bob and looking like I could maybe do something fun with it!!! Now it's just a rather choppy pixie. It truly looks as though she cut her own hair!! LOL. But those same pics came with more smiles than I have ever seen on her beautiful face--so although I wish they'd let her hair grow, it's just hair. And she rocks it no matter how it's cut.

In the update, we also did confirm that they have the CORRECT file (Praise Jesus) and that it has two more steps to go through--the Provincial Civil Affairs is next, then it's on to the CCCWA, the main government. These can EACH take anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 or more months. Won't you join us in praying for only a matter of weeks? From the time we get the file, we won't travel for around 10 weeks, so even if each of these steps only lasts 2 weeks each, we are still looking at 3.5 MONTHS till we get our girl, and that's not accounting for Chinese New Year, which knocks out another 2 weeks. So if you add that all up, you guessed it! We are currently looking at June travel at the earliest. Hello high priced plane tickets!! The good news is, with the funds we've raised and the time remaining, even though I don't want to pay higher prices for travel, we have the time to save to make up the difference. So I'm counting that as a blessing!

I'm also committing to doing everything I can, to taking every free moment possible, to learn Chinese. It's not easy and I definitely won't be remotely fluent, but my prayer is to be able to know enough to calm my girl, to soothe her in her pain, even a little, by speaking her native language. So if you see me in person, text me, or even talk to me on the phone--ask me how my Chinese is going. PLEASE!! It will help keep me accountable if I know I have people asking me!

Also, this. This is for my daughter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50ygAc2qP5A

Sweet friend, whatever you've got going on, whatever you're facing, whatever you're struggling with right now, let me be the first to say, GOD'S GOT THIS. HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. AND HE WILL NOT LET YOU FALL. I know. I'm living proof that you can keep going even when you feel you've got nothing left.

Blessings,

Prayer & Patience

As a wise writer once penned, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Truer words have never been spoken...

So it seems there's been a little confusion on our part. We believed that the process a file takes to be SWI (Social Welfare Institute), then Provincial Civil Affairs, then CCCWA (main government). So when we were told it had left her city, we were thrilled. We were also confused. Apparently, the process is City, SWI, Provincial CA, CCCWA. Meaning, when we thought her file was headed for the Provincial CA level, it was really only headed to the SWI. So we are further behind in the process than we thought. Obviously (and understandably) this is quite disappointing.

However, we have been asking, repeatedly, for months, and we've been told--REPEATEDLY, that it should move to the Provincial CA in "about two weeks". So after the last update of the same old thing, I emailed our agency again and just poured out my heart and my frustration. I admitted that I was very discouraged and quite weary of waiting and nothing seeming to change. I think at that point they finally looked back at all of the updates we were receiving and realized that they had repeatedly been told the same thing. I can understand how, with so many adoptive families, the details of one can be easily overlooked...

So today I received an email out of the blue, explaining that our caseworker emailed China and basically said, "Can we figure out what is going on because the family is frustrated, we're being told the same thing with no changes, and this child has waited long enough!" GLORY HALLELUJAH, finally I feel like my exact thoughts were sent to China!!!! Until now it's been more of a "hey would you mind checking on this file for us please?" type of email. So for that, I am thankful!

Also in the email was the response she had received telling her that two of the China staff would be TRAVELING TO HER CITY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS. I cried. Big 'ol mama tears. I feel as if an extension of myself is actually actively pursuing our girl--as if they finally get it--as if they are finally FIGHTING for her. So my frustration over the confusion is also covered in hope--the hope that we may finally get some real movement, or at least some real information on where her file is.  It is a baby step, for sure. But I pray that this is just the push they need (and maybe the desire to clear their desks before Chinese New Year!!) to get my girls file further down the road.

So now we wait. But we also pray. Won't you join us? Here are our specific requests:

1. Pray for answers. This journey to her city will be happening TONIGHT our time!! Pray they meet the right people to spur the process forward.

2. Pray for clear paths in China, and for her file to land in the hands of people who believe that she is loved and cherished and needs to come home soon.

3. Pray for me. My mama heart is weary. My anxiety builds the longer we wait. Pray for peace and continued patience throughout the rest of this journey.

4. Pray for our family. Pray that we will be using these last few months as a family of 6 to prepare our hearts for Mei Mei's arrival and all that she will need from each of us, but that we would also be enjoying this time together and not wishing it away.


God has heard my cries and He knows my heart. Even in the struggle, the wait, the pain of not yet holding my daughter, He brings friends, and worship, and divine appointments with others--just when my soul needs them most.  When I am at my lowest, when I feel I've reached the end and I am consumed with it all--He is there. And He renews my hope, and my strength, to go yet another day. My God is good. ALL THE TIME.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."    --Isaiah 40:31

A Holy Moment

For me, God's voice never comes audibly. In fact, usually when God is urging me to do something, say something, or head a specific direction, He usually does it ever so subtle, as more of a nudge, an idea, a simple thought that leads to more, over time. I don't think I've ever had Him speak directly to my heart in a clear, strong way that left me without doubt or questions in a given moment...that was, until today...

This morning, as I was getting ready for the day, I found myself frustrated, realizing how fast time was flying due to the holidays and our crazy schedule. I began praying to God in my frustration, just being real about how hard it is not knowing where Mei Mei's file is in the process, not really knowing the process itself (on the China side) and how much I longed to hold my daughter and HAVE HER HOME ALREADY. I would say it was more venting than praying, to be honest. I wasn't looking for an answer, or even guidance, I was just pouring out my heart. I began to think through the time frame, and wondered if we would even make it in time for her birthday in April. For me, that has been my end goal...to have her home or at least be with her in China, for her birthday. 

In that moment, God spoke to my heart clearer than ever before. It was not audible, but I knew exactly what it was...the same way I've known in my heart, for years now, that Mei Mei was our daughter, the first time I saw her face. He made it clear that it was time to "prepare my village/pack my bags". He is moving, and I'm here to tell you, something BIG is about to happen. I am expecting it to happen this month, but maybe even in the next few days. All I know is, He gave me a sense of urgency like never before. The emotion in the moments that followed were overwhelming. I was a complete mess. As I stood there in my bathroom, I had to sit down at the side of the tub because I was overcome with a sobbing, ugly cry. It was a mixture of relief, joy, utter thankfulness and praise. Praise for the God who sees, the God who hears, the God who knows the cry of my heart and has not forgotten me. He and He alone is in control. AND HE IS BRINGING HER HOME...AND SOON.

Two friends mentioned to me TODAY how we'd been on their hearts all day long, that they'd been praying for us more than ever, today. In talking to my mama about all of this, she shared that God had spoken to her the very same way about me, before she even knew she was pregnant. I'm telling you, GOD IS MOVING.

Don't get me wrong...this adoption process takes time. And I don't believe for one minute that we are leaving this month. But I have complete faith that God is moving in mighty ways, that we will have big news, and soon. For now...I have things to do...because I need to be ready when He makes the way. 

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to HIM be the glory..."  Eph. 3:20-21

My Greatest Hope

PLEASE read this to the end. That's all I ask. 

I've been praying for clarity recently, for discernment. In case you weren't aware, there are a number of people who believe that The Rapture may happen this week. They have many reasons why, many signs they believe that point to the probability of this occurring to be greater than any other time in history. I will agree that there are a large number of events culminating this week. Other than that, God only knows. Let me repeat that: God ONLY knows. Now before anyone gets upset, let me be clear, I have yet to hear one person say they know absolutely that Jesus is coming. They are all more in a "wait and see" position.

So why on earth am I writing about it? Well, I initially thought about just making a simple Facebook post. However, after thinking through what I believed I needed to say, I figured a blog post was more appropriate. LOL. So here is the important part of this post, here is where I ask you to pay close attention.

I do not know if Jesus will return this week. However, the reality is, I also don't know if I will wake up tomorrow. All I DO know, is that I woke up today. And if you're reading this, so did you. I am not eloquent, I am definitely not perfect, and I don't have the ability to speak to each of you personally. So I will post my thoughts here, and pray that you read them, and they make you ponder.

I want you to know that, whether you are my friend, my family, my neighbor; man, woman, child; gay, straight, or identify otherwise; Catholic, Protestant, Athiest, Muslim, or any other religion; no matter the color of your skin or the balance of your bank account; whether you are on my street or the other side of the world; no matter who you are or where you are; I am praying for you. PLEASE don't roll your eyes--I am incredibly sincere. I pray, not that you find a great church home, or realize your greater calling in life, not that you will be richly blessed, or any of a myriad of great things I could pray for you. Instead, I pray you find Jesus. Not the Jesus that you've seen portrayed on TV, not the Jesus that you felt you were never good enough for if you grew up in a strict church, and most definitely not the Jesus that we believers have so poorly represented to you as we mocked you, criticized you, cursed you, belittled you, shamed you and otherwise poured out rath and hatred rather than love and help. 

The reality is, He WILL come some day. You don't have to believe that to make it true. And the more important reality is that you need to KNOW Him...not just "believe" in Him. The Bible states clearly in James 2:19 "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder." Believing is not enough, sweet friend. You need to see your need for a savior, seek Him out and ask His forgiveness. You need to have a relationship with Him. That is my prayer for you--that you will look beyond our poor examples of who He is and find who He really is.

Because we are not promised tomorrow. We have today. So my greatest hope is that He will use me, in my imperfect ways and with my imperfect words, to draw you closer to Himself. I pray that in spite of what I say or do when I fail, that you would be able to see my heart, my truest intentions. I pray that at the end of the day, the one thing you think about when you think of me is "She served a mighty God." 

I pray that wherever you are, you take a minute to stop, to look inward, to really listen to the only One who can fill that void that you secretly hold inside, that longing for more, that emptiness nothing seems to fill. And I pray that when He speaks to your heart, you answer. He knows your hurt, He understands your pain. He's seen your sin. He knows your secrets. And He loves you just the same. He has changed my life, and I pray that you let Him change yours.

I love each of you dearly. I pray earnestly for you. And I will happily discuss Jesus with you any time, day or night. 

Her Province, Our Prayers

So it seems like every other day there is MORE to update y'all on! I AM LOVING THAT!!! After SO many years of feeling like nothing was ever going to change, but praying and believing God would still move mountains, it is both humbling and refreshing to see so many answers to prayer and so many MANY mountains being moved!! So for today's updates:

While I wait, ever so...ahem...impatiently (to be honest), I've been researching like crazy when I can't seem to sit still. I've been researching her Province, her city, her special need. I've been reading every blog post and article I can get my hands on that talks about what to expect, what not to expect, and what to completely have NO expectations on. I feel like I am full of a ton of info, a bit overwhelming, but also feeling like I am learning more about our daughter so that we are better prepared for what she may or may not need--more on that in a different post. I'm also asking a bazillion questions from BTDT (been there done that) parents on what our trip will be like, what weather to expect, what I need to know about the city where we will pick her up (this is not her home city, but rather the capitol city of her province), and gathering travel tips.

One thing I've been delving into lately is her province and specifically, what to expect there should we travel in January as we hope. First, while I've known for a few years that it is a coal mining province, I've only recently learned it is, in fact, the coal mining capitol of all of China. This being the case, I've also learned the air quality is less than ideal, and may indeed be a breathing issue for both my husband and our middle son, who both have asthma issues. While their asthma is not a major health issue for them where we live, it is irritated occasionally by allergens in the air--more so than for the average Joe. This being the case, we are praying, and we ask you to join us, that the air quality will not be a major issue for them. We will go prepared with their inhalers, other meds and, of course, my oils to help relieve them of any struggles. But we are praying specifically that they are not miserable while in her province, as we truly want this to be a time we can focus on our new little one and her fears, her struggles, her needs--things we KNOW will be an issue for her--so that her transition can be as easy as possible at what will be such a difficult time for her.

Along with this, I've learned that the temps in January can be anywhere from the teens to the lower 50s. While this is not an issue, per se, (we are totally used to winter, people), we also know that the second week of our trip in a different province, we will likely see temps in the 60s-low 70s. As you can well imagine, this leads to a bit of a packing dilemma. So, please join us in praying for good packing decisions that will allow us the flexibility to handle the variety of temps we may encounter, without the need to over-pack. We will only be allowed to take ONE 44 pound suitcase each (outside of our carryon luggage) and our goal is to pack less than is needed so that we might be able to bring home some future birthday gifts for our daughter.

We are keeping busy on the fundraiser front! We are taking in donations, a few times a week it seems, for the garage sale in 2 weeks! We even have an article going out in our neighborhood news letter in a couple of days which will definitely result in more traffic for the sale, but may even result in more donations as well! We are currently at 54 people for our race, as I mentioned in my last post. 25 of those people joined the team during the "Labor Day Weekend Contest" and...word has it THAT WE WON!!! I am still awaiting the confirmation email and the amount that we won to be disclosed, but we did it!! That contest will add extra funds to our race grant and every penny counts!! The kids continue to do odd jobs each week to earn money and they've even been going through their things to add to the garage sale! I learned recently of a 10 year old boy who raises funds to give siblings a $500 grant toward their trip with their family to adopt a sibling!! The boys (because sis isn't big enough to do it alone and it has to be without parental help) will each be writing a brief essay this evening to answer some questions and apply for the grant! If they receive it, they have agreed to split the funds toward all 4 of them going. SO blessed to watch their hearts intertwined on this mission to get their sister.

All in all, things seem to be moving quickly and we are keeping busy! I know that some day soon this will all be a distant memory and I will be holding my daughter in my arms, trying to remember what life was like without her. Until then, please join us in these specific prayers as we wait, ever so impatiently, LOL, to bring our little girl home!!

Selling, Racing & Praying

It has been totally crazy the last two weeks around here. We started building our team for the Chosen Race, starting taking in donations for our garage sale fundraiser, started school, and maintained our massive amounts of praying to bring our girl home! Here's where we stand:

Our race team is growing by leaps and bounds! We had originally set a goal of getting 50 people to join our team. We are currently at 54!! So what do we do? We raise the goal to 75! The beauty of more runners is two fold. First, we receive 100% of the registration fees toward our adoption! So right now, we've already raised $2795 just by people choosing to join us!! We've also had $200 donated, so our total right now is $2995!! Second, the more people that choose to join us, the less we need each person to raise in donations to hit our goal of $15,000! If we had 50 people running, we needed to average $300 in donations raised per runner. If we hit our current goal of 75 people, then that average drops to $200! That means each person only needs to find 10 people willing to donate $20. I know you could've done that math, but just putting it down in writing gets me excited as to how easy it should be to hit our goal!!! If you want to join our team to help us meet our goal of 75 runners, just click here, register to run, and choose "Miles for MeiMei" as your team! You can choose the Full Marathon, the Half Marathon, the 5K, Virtual Runner (run where you are!), or Sleepwalker (don't run, just sign up!). Your kids can even join you by running in the Kids Fun Run! If you aren't able to join our team but still want to donate $5, $10, $20 or even more, just click here, then click on the "Pledge" button! SUPER easy!

We are also preparing for a HUGE garage sale fundraiser! Our neighborhood is having a fall garage sale, and we plan to take advantage of all the traffic! If you're not able to run the race or donate monetarily, you can donate any unwanted items to our sale! We will happily swing by to pick it up. Our sale isn't until October 3rd and our garage is already filling up! We will turn your unwanted items into cash for our kids plane tickets to join us in getting their sister home from China! We will have huge signs up in the yard letting everyone know it's a fundraiser sale for our adoption, so we expect this place to be pretty busy all day long! Anything that doesn't sell we will donate to our local Thrift Store at the end of the day. Feel free to contact me through a comment on this blog post, through Facebook, or through a mutual friend if we're not "friends" on Facebook!

Finally, we are praying HUGE prayers over here!! First, we are still waiting on our official transfer to the new agency. This normally takes about a month and this week we are starting week 4 of waiting. This is beginning to drive me nuts. Please pray that the transfer would come quickly so I can move on to waiting impatiently for the next phase. LOL. Second, if we are to travel in January (which is our hope as December is much more expensive), we need to be matched with our daughter's file no later than October. Our new agency is hopeful that her file will come through soon as there has been lots of "activity" going on regarding their orphanage partnerships in China. Please join us in praying that her file comes ASAP, but most definitely before the end of October. Also, prayers of peace and patience for me are always greatly appreciated. It is really hard to stay focused on the here and now when we are getting sooooo close! I KNOW God is in control. But prayers of patience would be awesome.  :)

Friends (and family) I cannot begin to tell you how blessed we have been during this whole process. We were showered with blessings while we lived in Tulsa, back when we began this journey, and we continue to be blessed even after moving away from everyone we knew. God has brought exactly the right people into our lives in so many areas since moving...I cannot wait to tell the longer version of our daughter's story some day. It is completely humbling how He is orchestrating her story so beautifully. Our prayer has always been that if someone had any doubt that God was real and that He cares about every detail of their lives, that her story would leave no room for it any longer. He is answering that prayer in amazing ways. We are truly blessed, not only to be her parents, but to be part of her miracle story. Thank you for joining us on this journey and for loving us through it all. We love each of you dearly.

A Miracle In the Making

So it's been nearly FOUR months since I last blogged. It was a crazy busy summer! But it was by far, the BEST one yet. So much has happened in the last few months--actually just in the last few weeks really! Here's a brief recap:

All summer long I called or emailed the other agency to see if they had any word on our little one's file. Each time the response was the same, "No. But check back in a few weeks." So every 2-3 weeks I would. Finally, in late July, the response was "I really don't think there's anything we can do to help you get this file. We have other families that are waiting ahead of you. It would be really difficult to find a way to make this work." Those weren't the exact words, but basically the sentiment was "move along, because this just isn't going to happen." Many of you recall this time because I very specifically asked for prayers of peace and clarity. Peace to move on and allow this door to be closed, if that's what this was. My husband, however, wanted to keep trying. He insisted on a joint phone call with the director of the China program from the other agency. Until this point, he'd let me pretty much take the lead and handle all things "adoption" while we waited. But now he wanted to step into the battle himself. I asked, she agreed, and we set a phone call date for a Monday afternoon. I was so certain that this was going to be a final, closed door, that I emailed our caseworker at our agency and told her she may want to look for referrals for us on the list that was coming out Monday evening. I told her I thought the door was closing and we would be moving on.

I didn't eat or sleep much over the weekend. On Monday, I sent our daughter to a friend's house, told the boys we would be in an important phone call, closed the office doors, and dialed the phone. Some brief niceties were exchanged. She asked us what we'd like to discuss in particular. At this point, I listened as my husband laid it all on the line, and poured out his heart to this complete stranger. His passionate explanation of his feelings and his tears brought me to my knees. He wasn't giving in, wasn't giving up. He was fighting to the very end. I suddenly felt so foolish and weak. Here I was, willing to walk away, concede defeat, when in reality, we could still fight more. He strength amazes me.

And then it happened. She did a complete 180 from the email on Friday. She asked us again to put our story, of how long we'd waited, how our hearts were so intent on this child we'd never met, all of the details, into an email. She wanted it sent to her. IF, and she said it was a big if, the CCCWA would agree to allow us to transfer our dossier to their agency, SHE WOULD AGREE TO MATCH US WITH HER FILE WHEN IT COMES IN. This simply, was another mountain moved. We still had to get China to agree, but if they did, we could GET OUR GIRL. I put our story in an email yet again, had Sean proof read it, made some simple changes and sent it off the next day. I asked her how long it would take to hear back--she said likely a week maybe two. She forwarded the email to her staff in China, along with a letter of approval from herself, and the wait began. I asked for prayers like never before on facebook. I had no idea how I was gonna focus or get anything worthwhile done until we knew.

We had the answer just TWO DAYS later. China agreed and laid out the steps necessary to gain approval. We had to send a hard copy letter from us, one from the new agency, and one from what would become our old agency. And we had to fill out the application with the new agency and pay some fees. I asked her if there was any remote chance of not getting our girl's file after all of this. She told me she obviously can't control everything about the process, but she felt secure in saying we had a 99% CHANCE OF BEING MATCHED. Sweet Jesus, I sobbed like a little baby. All of the pent up emotion, longing, struggle, pain, anxiety--it all came out at once and I knew I needed to tell my husband immediately.

Turns out, the longest wait of my life, what I thought would be the waiting to hear if the transfer was approved, was not! The longest wait was trying to reach my husband at work!!! I texted. I called. I texted again. I called again. I called his cell. I called his direct office line. I emailed. I texted again. NOTHING. I finally told him I was calling the office. I asked them to page him. They came back on to tell me they didn't know how but they were sending someone to find him and tell him to call me immediately. LOL. I texted him again and told him they were coming to hunt him down because he wasn't responding. I didn't want to talk to anyone else first. I was avoiding the kids. I was a basket case!! I wanted him to hear it first. Finally he called--and I sobbed again, telling him that we were going to get our girl!! It caught him off guard and he was just thankful everyone was ok--I guess the HR lady made him think someone was dying. I later emailed her to apologize! LOL.

So all that to say...WE'RE GOING TO GET OUR GIRL!!!!!!!! I am so humbled, so in awe, so very unworthy, to be in this place, to have these answered prayers. My mama heart is on the verge of exploding at any given moment on any given day. Even in my doubt, He chose to answer the cry of my heart. I am without words to express the mountains moved, the miracles in the making, the changed hearts, the outcome we have prayed for all this time. GOD IS GOOD. And don't you think for one second that man could've done any of this. Every single person that has anything to do with the adoption process has told us from the very second we started that this would probably not happen. Every adoptive mama has told me to keep praying. Many people who've heard our story have questioned, doubted, asked openly why we were waiting. But every moment one of us doubted (myself more than Sean), God, in His mercy, gave us a reason to keep going, to keep fighting. And He and He ALONE moved the mountains every man believed to stand in our way.

Now we wait for more paperwork and time frames and fees and processing...all between two countries. And we start learning Chinese, reading up on her province, plan packing lists, and start fundraising to cover to the $23,000 this change between agencies and our travel expenses will cost! Through it all, we cling to Ephesians 3: 20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory..."

In the Stillness

A lot has changed in the last few weeks regarding our adoption. Many of you already know most of it as I was anxiously requesting prayer numerous times on Facebook! It's been almost surreal having been waiting for YEARS with little to no movement and then to have so much happen in just a two week time frame!

We received word that the little girl we've been following has her file complete! This is HUGE because it means, regardless of the outcome, we will have closure in the next few months. Either we will receive her file, or it will be time to close this chapter and move on--but either way, we will have closure. There will be resolution. But there have been huge strides of open communication, new information that we have that at least keeps the door open to the possibility! Within 48 hours, we learned that her file will definitely go to an agency, the likely agency it will go to is WORKING WITH US in the hopes they can figure out a way for us to receive the file (they'd told us previously they would not do this), and our own agency called and brought up that if we were able to work with the other agency, they totally understood if we switched!! That has been a major sticking point for us as we really, truly love our agency and really don't want to work with anyone else. That being said, our priority is getting our little girl home and if the other agency is able to secure her file and guarantee it would be assigned to us, we would switch in a heartbeat! It's just nice to have that extra load off of having to explain to our agency we wanted to switch. Knowing they fully support us in whatever means necessary to get our girl home is truly a blessing. So now we wait to hear from the other agency as to whether they will definitely get her file and if they will be able to assign it to us! In the mean time we are busy scheduling Dr appts and caseworker visits and paying fees because OF COURSE this all happened at the same time that our USCIS immigration paperwork and our home study need updated! Nothing like a whole lotta crazy all at once!!

But it gives me hope. It gives me reassurance. It allows me to see, to KNOW that God is still in control, that His hand is in the middle of our mess, working, even when we don't see it. I know that in being human, I don't see the big picture, I don't see the end game. So when things don't appear to go my way, when they "take too long" according to MY time frame, I'm tempted to throw in the towel, to call an audible, to just move on already. I think that's when God likes to show off most. When it couldn't possibly come from anyone or anything other than Him. He steps in, shows He's in control, and  "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

Keep praying friends!! We cannot do this alone--we need each of you going before the Father on our behalf! From the depths of our hearts, THANK YOU, for taking this journey with us.

Butterflies, Rainbows & Other Loads of Crap

So yeah, this post is more of me taking a load off and venting. Sorry about that. But not really. Sometimes you just need to let it out. For me, today is that day.

Today is her birthday. She's 3. That makes a total of 3 birthdays we've spent apart since we first laid eyes on her. I cannot begin to describe to you the level of utter suckage (I don't care if that's not a real word) that entails. And I fully realize that some of you probably think we are crazy (love you, but we don't care). Others just don't really understand--both the process and/or the desire we have to wait. To be honest, it's not really a DESIRE to wait. Trust me, this is NOT the path I would've chosen myself. I truly get that there are other children out there needing a family, other little girls on "the list" waiting to find their forever homes. There are perfectly beautiful, needy children...waiting. The depth of that fact is not lost on me...at all. It wrecks me to the core of my being that I simply cannot bring every one of them home. Ask my husband--he knows I would if we could. He thinks I'm nuts in that arena, by the way. So it is not for one nanosecond lost on me that while we wait on THIS one, another one waits to be matched as well. I realize we could choose to shorten our wait. But it's not where we feel led.

The best way I can explain it is actually to give you a perspective I can only imagine myself, because it's one I've never truly been in. But in my heart, I believe it will give you the best picture of why we wait. It's the image of a birth mom, preparing to give her child up for someone else to raise. Now please hear me out--I HAVE NEVER WALKED THAT PATH so I cannot say with certainty that I know for one minute how it feels. This is simply the only example I can IMAGINE feels close to what our wait is like. I do not want, in any way shape or form, to diminish the depth of pain those moms go through. I know my pain is no where near what they feel, but it's the only way I can imagine it myself.

You see, from the very moment I laid eyes on her, she was my daughter. And every day that passes, a piece of me lives a half a world away, my heart walking around outside my body. We get updates and pictures...images of someone else raising our daughter. Someone else gets her cuddles, someone else gets her kisses. Someone else watched her first steps, someone else heard her first words. Another woman holds her when she cries, and kisses her boo-boos when she's hurt. SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING OUR DAUGHTER. And that sucks. Every single day that sucks. Usually I keep myself busy--I mean, hello, we have four other kids! So most days, I'm not bombarded with a wealth of emotions I don't know how to handle. Most days I'm not a hot mess. Most days, I'm not completely on the verge of an emotional breakdown at any given second. But on this, her birthday, I am.

And I know God is in control. And I know He sees my pain. And I know He has a plan. And I know and I know and I know. But let's be real. Faith isn't always easy. It isn't always butterflies and rainbows and all those other loads of crap. I KNOW all the right things. I KNOW all of the truth. And trust me, I don't doubt for one minute if God has my best interests at heart. But some days are still hard. Some days I don't wanna get out of bed. Some days I wanna scream and punch somebody in the face. Some days I wanna give her government a piece of my mind--swear words and all. Most days I just want--FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY--to get on freakin plane and go get our daughter.

For now we wait. We celebrate her life. We storm the gates of Heaven on our knees for our daughter. And we pray that someday, someday soon, we will celebrate together rather than apart...

That's where I am. Today.

Little Did I Know

It's amazing to me how much you learn as you get older. What I wouldn't give to know what I know now and be my much younger self, say, 15-20 years ago! But wisdom comes with age and rarely anything else. One thing I've learned is how right my parents were on so many things (SHHHHH! Don't tell them that! LOL).  In fact, I distinctly remember calling my stepdad during my second semester of college, solely for the purpose of telling him I'd realized he was right...on a lot of things. He was gracious and merely chuckled.

I also remember laughing at my daddy, sometimes outright and sometimes in secret, when he would suggest things that were, what I believed, totally off the wall. He kept coming to me with all of these "health" solutions, natural remedies, the importance of herbs and nutrition. I would smile and nod and chalk it up to something some people do, just not me.

Fast forward, oh, about 10 years give or take a few. My life experiences have forced me to grow, to get out of my comfort zone. Daddy has been gone almost 2 years now. That in itself is hard to believe...sometimes hard to even accept. With his passing, however, I was hit hard with the fact that life is short and time is not guaranteed. We make choices every single day that determine our future.

In facing this realization, I've decided to keep an open mind when it comes to things I would normally shy away from. I've taken an active role in our children's education by beginning to homeschool them last year. I've decided to be more intentional with how I spend my time, realizing that sometimes "no" is the right answer. And I've begun to do a lot more research into things that effect my health and the health of my family--namely our nutrition and our medicine cabinet.

In doing so, I came across a company called Young Living Essential Oils. I began to research them, as well as other companies, as I wanted to begin to incorporate the use of these oils into our healthcare routine. With the help of a friend, I purchased a couple of oils for a few specific purposes, to get a feel for their effectiveness and benefits. I was sold. I had used other essential oils before, mainly from the health food stores, but I'd never had results like these. I delved deeper into the company, how they came up with their oils, reviewed testimonials, and talked with friends who used them. I personally couldn't find a better company with a better product than Young Living.

I immediately began looking forward to the day I could "justify" purchasing the Everyday Oils Collection Starter Kit. I knew without a doubt I wanted to begin incorporating these oils into my cleaning products, beauty products, and our medicine cabinet.

My husband, however, was quite skeptical. In fact, he often referred to them as my "snake oils"...until the day he came down quite sick, however. Nothing else he was taking was giving him any relief, so when I asked if he wanted me to try some oils on him, he said "I don't care at this point. I'll try anything." That was the first night he'd slept all night in DAYS. My husband was now a believer and I purchased the Premium Starter Kit!

We've used the oils as a family and given samples out to friends now for over 6 months. We are rarely sick, and when we are, we are over it in a very short time! I have even been able to stop taking meds and replace them with oils with BETTER results. I feel great, I have more energy, and I know that I'm doing it while giving my body these amazing oils and no chemical side effects.

So I decided if I am already telling my friends and family about these oils, I may as well put myself in a position to order some for them! That's why, as of last month, I've become a YL Independent Distributor. Honestly, I don't care if I make a dime in profit. My only hope was that maybe I'd make enough each month to cover the cost of what we spend to purchase the oils. Only one month out of the gate and I've reached that goal!

Little did I know, all those years ago, that my Daddy knew what he was talking about. Little did I know how different my life would be now, without him in it. I'd give anything to share with him all I've learned since he's been gone...because deep down, I know he'd be proud. :)

If you want to learn more about Young Living, about essential oils, how to get started or how to order an oil or two, feel free to send me a message, click the Facebook icon at the top right of the screen, or click here! I'd LOVE to help you find a healthier you!

Blessings,

It's Funny How Things Workout...

Life is a process. I firmly believe that, if you let it, life will allow you to become the person God created you to be from the moment you were born. If not, you could miss out on SO much.

I never thought I'd be a homeschooling mom. In fact, if you'd told me all those years ago this is what my life would look like, I would've promptly laughed at you. I was not that mom. We were not that family. I distinctly remember my daddy encouraging me to look into homeschooling. I politely smiled and nodded--as I did with many ideas he ran by me back then--and then immediately didn't give it another thought.

Now I can't imagine my life any other way. The idea of spending my days watching first hand as my children explore, create, discover and learn...I wouldn't trade it for anything. We don't always get along, we don't have perfect days, and some days, I really wanna throw in the towel. But there are moments. Moments when my daughter gets excited over the number of sight words she's learned, moments when my Little Little finally grasps a concept he's been struggling with, moments when my Middle Little gives me a huge hug and tells me how much he loves "doing school" with me...those are the perfect little moments that make it all worth it.

We are still in the learning phase, trying to figure out what works best for our family, what works best for each child, and putting that all into practice. Sometimes we find our curriculum doesn't work well for us and we pitch it completely and start over. Other times, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we lose all track of time and I narrowly manage to get supper on the table. Aaaaaaand sometimes we go, go, go so much that I'm not sure what day it is! But it works for us.

Homeschooling is not for everyone. It's not even for every child. Our Big Little does not homeschool right now. Maybe that will change someday and maybe it won't. But as long as we work together (with him) to figure out how he learns best and where he learns best--then I'm good with that. Children don't, and shouldn't, fit a cookie cutter mold. God created us unique and individual. We have our own likes, dislikes, passions and fears. When we allow ourselves to think outside the box, to find what works best for each of us, we thrive. It's then that I believe God is best glorified--when we allow ourselves to be molded into who He created us to be.

If you had told me in the beginning of the adoption process that we would be sitting here, nearly 3 YEARS later, still with no child to hold...well, I'm not sure I would've chosen to walk that path. But again, I believe life molds you into who you were created to be--if you let it. God knew, long before I did, how things would work out. While I don't necessarily see the "purpose" yet in losing my daddy when I did, I do know that we wouldn't be where we are today if he were still here. We wouldn't have taken the job in San Antonio, which means we wouldn't have moved. We likely wouldn't have discovered how amazing homeschooling can be--we had only begun to homeschool in the fall before moving here and our first semester was rough. We may not have stayed the course if we'd stayed in Tulsa. Our oldest wouldn't have gotten out of a bad school situation--which means he wouldn't be as excited over school as he is now. We wouldn't have the new friends we've made--friends I couldn't imagine my life without.

I'm fully convinced, with every passing day, that while I don't see the bigger picture God has planned, I KNOW He has my best interests in mind. He knew the time I would need to heal after losing my daddy. He knew I wouldn't be prepared to fully focus on our daughter. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be a new mom again AND homeschool effectively. He knew we wouldn't be able to commit to the amazing opportunity of moving to San Antonio if we'd been in the middle of just being home with our daughter.

I don't like the wait. I'm not a naturally patient person. I don't like the not knowing of it all, having everything up in the air, waiting endlessly for this one file to be ready and the miracle it will take for it to land in our hands and make her officially our own. I don't like answering endless questions on how the adoption is going when we're in a standstill forever, but I also don't like that it's been so long that now the questions have stopped coming. I don't like not being in control.

But that's the beauty of growth. It's not easy. It's not comfortable. It's usually not fun. It's hard. It takes work. But the end result is so much better than we ever dreamed possible. It makes it all worth it. So I can't see the light at the end of the adoption tunnel right now, but I know the One in control of this crazy ride I'm on...and ultimately, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My prayer is that our journey means something...not just to our family, but somehow, to yours. I hope that in seeing our struggle, our wait, our growth, whatever it is you need to see, that above all else, you see Christ in the middle of it all. I pray that our journey would renew your faith, deepen your walk with God, or lead you to find Him for the first time. Not that any of it would be because of what we've done, but because you were able to see all that HE has done in all of this. I cling to this verse on my weakest of days, in my darkest of hours:

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
--Hebrews 11:1

I cannot explain the gratitude we have in knowing you all are with us, walking beside us in this crazy journey called adoption...and life.

Whispers of Hope (Adoption)

So as you know, we're apparently on the long journey of adoption. The loooooooong one. The it-feels-like-this-isn't-ever-going-to-happen journey. There are days when my heart is just broken, where I just wanna scream "why can't I have my daughter already?!" But most days I'm just numb...almost in a daze where the adoption is concerned. People have even stopped asking how it's going, it's been so long. And I can't blame them. I don't have any new information, anything different to tell them. It's the same now as it was two years ago...only now most days are more bleak, more of the thinking that's it's never going to happen. Back then, I would get excited about the "list" coming out. I would wait with anticipation for the email...the email that simply said no file was found. And then I'd be crushed all over again. I'd go from high hopes to agonizing despair. There was anger, confusion, frustration, impatience...you name it. Now it's just what I expect. I don't get excited about the list coming out. I don't wait with anticipation for that email with the file attached. I'm just numb--that's the best way I can describe it. This simply is not the journey I saw us on when we signed papers 2 1/2 years ago.

And yet...from time to time, and just when I need it most, come whispers of hope. Little things that reassure me we are on the right path. Little things to remind me that this isn't the path God chose for everyone, but it IS the path He chose for us. Why? I have absolutely no idea. But I trust that He knows far better than I do what we need, what she needs.

Take the other day, for instance. Even though my husband thinks I'm nuts, I've been wanting a chandelier or pendant light for above my bathtub. I just think they are pretty. So of course I've been looking--I believe he regrets the day I ever found the facebook online garage sale pages. LOL. Anyway, I found this beautiful pendant light, one that perfectly matched all of our other lighting fixtures. And, as is par for the course, I was about 5th or 6th in line for it by the time I said I was interested. I held out no hope. I never thought it would get to me.

And yet...it did. I was contacted by the owner and told it was mine if I wanted it. By that time, I'd had the chance to think about it and wondered if I really wanted to get it. But everything about it was so perfect. So I agreed to meet and purchase it.

I hadn't thought much about my outfit that day. As usual, it was yoga capris and a t-shirt. But I had to do some other errands that day so I decided to pick one of the nicer t-shirts I had, my Show Hope one. For those of you who don't know, Show Hope is the adoption foundation of Steven Curtis Chapman. I'd gotten it a few years back and it was still in great condition.

When I arrived, we made some small chit chat, exchanged money and she gave me the pendant light. Then she noticed my shirt. She asked if I happened to be an adoptive mom. I explained we were in the process. She told me that they had 3 adopted children--two of which were from China. When I explained we were headed to China as well, she asked which province. I explained that we weren't officially matched, but told her the name of the province where our little one is residing. She said, "That's where our son is from!" We proceeded to stand there, two complete strangers, for over 10 minutes, sharing a bond neither of us expected to find.

It was a breath of fresh air...a whisper of hope. Something so small, yet such a huge blessing. It was just what I needed. A little bit of reassurance that God's not done with us yet. He still has a plan, and one day we will know what it is.

I can't say with 100% certainty that this little one is our daughter. But I CAN say with 100% certainty that God has us here, chasing her file, for a reason. Maybe it's because she is ours. Maybe it's because, in following her file, we will find our daughter down the road--where we wouldn't have waited this long if it were not for following this file. I honestly have no idea. But I trust the One who does.

And I'm sure after reading all of this, there are some of you who think I've lost my marbles. I know there are those who think believers like myself, who find God in the little mundane moments of everyday life think we are simply searching for something to believe in--a way to explain away the lives we live. But the truth is, when you have a relationship with someone, be it a wife, husband, parent, child, sibling or friend, you know them...you know how they work. You see the little things that no one else does, those simple things they do for you to show you they love you, that they were thinking of you. And I know my God, I know my Savior, my Jesus. I know that He does in fact, delight in the little things in my life, in showing me every single day just how much He loves me...that He was thinking of me. Sometimes they remind me of His glory--like a beautiful sunset or sunrise, or the smile of a child. And sometimes they are what I like to call whispers of hope, little ways of reminding me He is here, He is in even THIS, and He is still in control...even when I cannot see past today.

Chosen

Moving is never easy. The endless piles of things to put away, boxes yet to be unpacked, trash to deal with from empty boxes, painting, cleaning, arranging and rearranging...and all while regular life must go on. Moving to an entirely different state, AND away from everyone you've ever known, has it's own unique challenges on top of the regular ones. The excitement of the new and uncharted territory, of starting over, beginning again--has its ups and downs.

I absolutely LOVE where we live. I love our neighbors, I love our home, I love our oldest's new school and I love our new homeschool group for the younger 3. Although I was hesitant to look for another church home, I've fallen deeply in love with the one we've found here. And, as I'd mentioned to both of my brothers a while back, there is something easier about being in a new place altogether--one where I don't turn every corner and have a memory of daddy staring me in the face. I don't have to remember him sitting in my living room, laughing at my poker table, bowling with the boys on the Wii, or coloring in the dining room with my daughter. A new place is a new beginning--a starting over in a new normal.

Don't get me wrong. I WANT to remember. I WANT to picture him with us, doing things we love. But I NEED to do it on my own time, in my own way. I already have little things that sneak up on me and tear me apart on the inside without a moments notice. I don't want or need to be in a place where it's almost an hourly guarantee. Call it denial if you must. I call it self-preservation. I call it survival for the sake of holding it together and keeping the little shred of sanity I manage to maintain most days.

I know we serve a loving God. I know that He has my best interests in mind and that, although I cannot see the bigger picture, His ways are better than my own. And yet, for this last 16 months, I have felt so distant...struggling to convince my heart what I know in my head...that God is good, that He knows all my hurt, all my pain. I can tell myself and believe with all my head that daddy went when it was time, that he no longer suffers, that he is better off--that there is a bigger picture I cannot see, a bigger reason for my loss. I know in my head that God only takes us when our work is done, and not a moment sooner. But convincing my heart has been another matter altogether. I could not fathom for one moment that, while I knew God was with me, that He was truly beside me, seeing my pain and longing to bring me closer to Him through it.

And then I knew. I knew in that moment that He is here...truly HERE, in the thick of it with me. He not only sees my pain, He feels it. What burdens me, also burdens the heart of the living God. I cannot begin to explain to you how I knew or what changed. All I know is that in that moment of worship, my walls were torn down and my eyes were opened. He broke the barrier I'd created around my broken heart, took hold of me and held me like no other. He picked up the pieces of my broken world and is ever so gently, ever so graciously putting them back together, one by one.

My relationship with my Jesus, is in a new place. I no longer have a God who I turn to in times of trouble or times of joy. I no longer have a God who is out there somewhere waiting for me to grab hold of him in my time of need. Instead, He is my Healer, my Redeemer, my Confidant, my Wonderful Counselor. Before anyone else, my husband included, He is the one I turn to with my pain, my joy and also my every day, my every moment. What I knew with my head before I now know more than ever with my HEART. I am CHOSEN. He loves me more than I could ever possibly comprehend and He's not somewhere waiting for me to reach out for him. He's right beside me, simply waiting for me to trust Him with the details, waiting for me to lean on Him, and not my own understanding. I cannot put into words the difference that heart-knowledge has made in my life.

I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're struggling with, I don't know your pain. I don't know the trials you face, the temptations you fight, or the fear or anxiety or hurt you are going through. I don't know your thoughts or all the secrets you hide. But I know the One who does. Whether you believe it or not, whether you can fathom the reality or want to deny it altogether, THERE IS A GOD WHO KNOWS YOUR NAME, WHO KNOWS YOUR PAIN, WHO KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF. And He LOVES you, sweet friend. I wish you knew that, deep in your heart...just how desperately, deeply, unconditionally he loves YOU. Because you see, you are also chosen...

1 Thess. 1:4 "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that He has chosen you.."

I pray, sincerely, that one day soon you will see it too...

(Not My) Lessons Learned

It seems as though I have an over abundance of opportunities lately to learn life lessons. Between moving to another state and having to make friends all over again, losing my dad 15 months ago, surviving our first year of homeschooling, and still maintaining this adoption process, I have weekly if not daily lessons I'm learning. It's a good, albeit exhausting, thing to go through.

However, I think the lessons that resonate with me the most, that leave me pondering the longest, aren't even my own. They are the things my daddy learned--many the hard way--that I am realizing more and more the longer he's gone. I'll be honest (because he would've said so himself), he wasn't always a good man. Of course, none of us are ALWAYS good...and he was no exception. Like anyone, he could be mean, short-sighted, and make poor choices, some big some small. But the closer he came to the end of his life, the better perspective he had and the more he lived life intentionally. There are many things I want to emulate about the man I called "Daddy". There are others I don't. The following list encompasses the lessons he learned that are becoming apparent to me more and more each day...

1. Life is short. It ends unexpectedly and we all wish for more time.

2. The choices we make on a daily basis can have lasting effects over a lifetime. For example, until he realized his health was in jeopardy, he didn't put a lot of thought into what he ate and how he cared for his body. We have ONE life and only ONE body--we must treat it with the utmost care.

3. Relationships are what YOU make them. You can't control other people, but you are most definitely responsible for your own actions. You get out what you put in. My daddy chose to not put the effort into his marriage to my mom as he should've (for whatever reason). It cost him both his marriage AND time with us kids. Obviously it's not all one sided, but he could've done more on his part--he later said so himself.

4. Time is the one thing you can never get back. You MUST make the most of every day. If there are places you hope to see one day, NOW is the time. If there are things you need to say, NOW is the time. There is no guarantee that you will get the opportunity if you don't do it now. My father had always wanted to go see Vegas. It never happened. He'd also planned to make a video that chronicled his opportunities to share Jesus with others because he said he had some amazing stories. He never got around to it. Oh how I would've loved to hear those stories.

5. You can spend your life working to have THINGS and end up neglecting those most precious to you. Early on in his marriage to my mom, Daddy was focused on working hard and having nice things and, as he later put it, "chasing the almighty dollar". If he thought he could get wealthy doing something, he tried it--many times to the detriment of his marriage and his finances. And he was miserable doing it. Later on in life, he was content to have a roof over his head, food on the table, and time with us kids. And he was utterly happy. Things will never make you happy--but time with those you love will.

6. How does the saying go? "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"--or something like that. I think too often we get caught up (especially in today's get-famous-quick society) in being known or being famous or doing something big--rather than realizing that sometimes the most important thing we can do is to be known in the lives of those around us. My daddy didn't make any major contributions to society, but to his grandkids, he was an incredible source for Godly instruction and encouragement. To this day, the one thing that sticks out to my middle son about his Papa was that he was "always telling him about Jesus"--and he loved that about him. Many times it's in the everyday moments that our lives have the biggest impact.

Obviously, none of these things constitute rocket science. In fact, they are things we are told from many different sources, many different times throughout our lives. But when you're faced with looking back on the life of someone you've lost, these lessons take on new meaning. There are soooooo many things about my dad that I hope to develop within myself as a parent, a friend, a neighbor--so many good qualities I hope to have. But sadly, there are things I hope to take to heart, from these lessons I saw him learn the hard way--so that I will not make the mistake of repeating them myself. As parents, we always want better for our kids. We want them to have more, do more, experience more and be more than we ever had, did, or were. So while there are things I know he would've done differently if he had life to live over, I pray these are things I never forget, so that I can at least learn from the lessons life taught my daddy.

If I Never Hold Her

I think the day or two following the list release are the hardest. It's the let-down after the anticipation, the utter crash after being hopeful. It's the questions, the longing, the struggle, the pain...

Last night I awoke at about 4am gasping for air, sobs wracking my body. But they were sobs of joy. I'd just received an email telling me we had it, we had her file, we were finally, officially, legitimately going to be a family...I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion that my body simply convulsed in sobs of joy.

But then I woke up. It wasn't real. It wasn't true. Everything wasn't alright. I was back in the middle of life as it actually is--in the middle of this roller coaster ride of an adoption, with seemingly no end in sight. So I tossed and turned and attempted to go back to sleep, eventually succumbing to my exhaustion.

I don't know how this all ends. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel today. I can't give reassuring words of hope to my kids who continue to ask when their sister is coming home and what is taking so long. Today it feels as though I'm at the end of my rope, wrought with exhaustion, questions without answers, frustration, confusion and pain.

And yet I know...I know that if I never hold her, He still does. If I never come face to face with her in this life, He knows her name and His plan for her is great. If I never hear the name "Mama" uttered from her lips, He will not leave her orphaned...for He has a home for her, a family with a hole only she can fill. For He cares for her more than I could possibly imagine...and although I cannot see it now, His plan is perfect.

So I attempt to rest in the shadow of the Almighty, trusting Him with her, with us, with the future. I breathe in, breathe out, and keep going...

'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'                      --2 Cor. 12:9


I know His grace IS sufficient.

All The Things

**Please understand this post is completely serious and spoken from the heart. I'm not being fake or trying to come off in any way other than completely honest. If you don't believe me well, then you don't know me--and you're welcome to get to know me or just move along.**

Some days I look at my life and I just don't get it. I don't believe it's real. I don't understand why we are where we are. As I've mentioned before, as recently as yesterday, life is not always a bowl of cherries 'round here. It can be hectic. It can be downright crazy (um, hello?? I have FOUR kids). It can be hard and sad and just plain stinky--which I firmly believe is pretty much everyone's life everywhere on any given day, because we are normal people trying to navigate this thing called life. But it's also beautiful, unbelievable, and 100% paradise (as my beautiful Aunt Kendra likes to say). It's filled with people I love, in a place I love, doing what I love. Paradise.

I've been told I'm "spoiled". (Sadly, I let that bother me simply because the person who said it doesn't have a clue who I am and simply made a judgment call based on material observation I suppose.) The truth is, yes I love my life. But I don't in anyway deserve it. And to be honest, I could give it all up tomorrow without a second thought. Because it's just ALL THE THINGS. It's stuff. It's material possessions. It's not who I am, it does not determine my value, it does not make me a better or worse person. It's just stuff. Give me the people that I love and I have all that I need. I can make do with way less and be perfectly content. How do I know? Because I've been there. I've lived with next to nothing. I've stood with my mom in the commodities line waiting for our turn at free groceries. I've flushed a toilet with a bucket of water because my dad's electricity was shut off for lack of money to pay the bill. I learned early on that happiness doesn't come from things--it comes from within--how you CHOOSE to feel. I've been perfectly content with nothing and I'm content now, having all the things...at least to some degree.

The thing is, I'm actually less content now than I was when we had nothing. It's not that I NEED anything. Quite the contrary--I struggle with the idea that I have things I don't need. **Again--please understand this just me being honest, sharing my heart--I truly truly feel very undeserving of the life I currently have and that is precisely why I'm sharing all of this.** At the heart of the matter, I just don't want to be a consumer. I don't want to go through life comfortable with having all the things and being content within my own walls, within my own life. I want to be used. I want to be able to bless others. I want to be uncomfortable with the idea that there are those around me who struggle every day just to find food and shelter, rather than being content to live as though they don't exist, like it's not my problem. I want to use what I've been given, what I've been entrusted with, to give back, to make a difference.

So I'm starting where I can--with our home. I've decided that my unstructured nature will just have to deal with the fact that I'm going to keep my home in such a manner that it can be used at any moment, to bless those God brings in our path. We will have an open door policy and when God says "help them, host them, feed them, etc" we will. It may be neighborhood children who need a positive environment where they can relax and be themselves. It may be teenagers from our son's school, looking for a place to get away and escape the stress of home. It may be friends, co-workers, or others who need a place to stay. I have no idea. But I do know this home was not given to us for our own comfort, for our own enjoyment. I firmly believe God has blessed us for the sole purpose of being a blessing to others. So that's where we will start--at home.

Here's the catch--I don't think this "idea" was given to me alone. I believe it applies to all of us, no matter where we are in life, no matter if we have a little or have much. As Jesus said in Matthew 25:35

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in..." (NIV)

It wasn't a command for the rich or for the poor...it was a command for us all. Won't you join me? How can YOU give back? Can you open your home? Do you have time you can spare to serve somewhere? Do you have items you can donate to a local shelter? Each of us can give, somehow. And for some reason, I believe the biggest blessing will come in the giving...  

Being His Mom, Her Mom & Finding Joy in the Journey

So there's not a lot to update on the adoption front. Still waiting. Still hoping. Still frustrated by systems that seem to fail those they seek to serve. You'd think that after more than 23 "list nights" where we wait...refreshing the email button...hoping for good news and a file attached--HER file--only to be disappointed month after month, list after list...that we'd be used to it by now. In some ways, yes, we are. Most days I find myself fairly numb...almost as if I'm in a dream world where I THOUGHT we were going to adopt, but in reality it's just never going to happen. That's most days. Then there are days when I can hardly drag myself out of bed. I put a smile on, keep the peace, shove it deeper inside...because I know that if I allow myself to feel all of the anger and frustration that lies beneath the surface, I may never come up for air. I may be swallowed up whole...some days. I can tell my head a hundred different ways that "His timing is not MY timing" and "God's still in control". And I know that I know that I KNOW that is the truth. But some days, convincing my heart of that is another story altogether. So when people ask how it's going, where are we at in the process, I don't say "It totally sucks. I just wanna fly over and get my daughter already. I'm over the wait and anxiety and the sleepless nights. I'm just done. I plan to leave tomorrow." Instead, I simply say, "Oh, it's coming along. Still waiting and hoping it works out the way we'd like. But we're good." Because that's the easier thing to say. And that's the easier thing to hear. And frankly, maybe if I say it enough, I'll start to believe it too. Some days...

But there are other days...when I have a glimmer of hope, when I see just a glimpse of the bigger picture, and by His grace alone, I'm able to keep going. Because I'm her mom. And I will wait til the day I die if I have to. I will continue to fight for her no matter how long, no matter the road, because that's what moms do. And I'm her mom.

I'm also his mom. My teenager who is struggling to figure out his identity...who is questioning everything he believes...what is right and wrong. My son who is trying to determine his place in this world, and who does so facing pressures and obstacles...even some I've never faced myself. So I need to be HERE--fully present. He needs me to be HIS mom, in this moment, in his time of (so far) his greatest need. I need to walk this road with my son, completely engaged in his trials and triumphs, guiding him where I can, and praying he trusts God to lead him where I can't. Some days that road with him really sucks...I mean REALLY sucks. It's hard and it's painful and it's ugly and it's sooooo not my son...not the young man I know...not the man God created him to be. Other days that road is so incredible I can't begin to describe it. The amount of love and pride I have in being his mom goes beyond words. He is talented, he is dedicated, he is amazing and kind and thoughtful and he has a heart the size of Texas (which I've come to learn is very VERY large!). And I get front row seats to watch him grow--both in the good times and the bad--and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not one single thing.

And somewhere deep inside, I'm realizing I'm also a very lost little girl who misses her daddy in ways no words can express. In fact, I was holding it together until that very sentence. Because that's what I do. I have to keep going. I have responsibilities. I have people who depend on me. And until recently, going with the flow was easy. We've had a whole lotta crazy up in here for the last 14 1/2 months since my daddy died. I've literally been going from one thing to the next, funeral then his belongings then his estate then starting to homeschool then selling a house then moving then moving again then getting settled in a new state surrounded by new people. So I didn't have to think, or feel. I could just shove it all deep inside to be dealt with another day. But that day has come and I'm finding I'm completely unprepared for the waves of emotion that are fighting to take over within me. I fight on a near daily basis, just to keep my head above water. And sleep, which was once my safe haven, my refuge from the day, has eluded me in these months since daddy has been gone. I'm beginning to realize I need time to heal. I need time to let myself feel all of these things I've trapped inside. I just need more time.

And God, in His infinite wisdom, is giving me just that. Time to heal, time to find my new normal, time to get settled in our new surroundings, time to be his mom, the way he needs me--completely focused on his needs...and I need to deal with all of this, to be fully HERE, before I can be fully THERE with her, getting to know her, letting her get to know me, being HER mom the way she needs me--completely focused on her needs.

So I try to find joy in this journey, in this uphill-downhill-good day-bad day-journey. I'm learning what it is to grieve, to raise a teenager with all of his successes and failures, to make new friends all over again, to become accustomed to new places and things, and to help my family settle into this new phase of life. Little by little I'm surviving, and some days I see the light at the end of the very long tunnel. Just when I need it most, God gives me the clarity I need to see just far enough into that light to keep going, to know without a doubt He is VERY much in control. And He has my best interests at heart...even when I can't see the big picture from here.

(Somewhat) Short and Sweet

17 1/2 years ago, I fell in love with the man of my dreams (I know, GAG, but it's true!!). 15 years ago today, I married that man. It's crazy to think about, really, because it doesn't feel like it's been nearly that long and yet I feel like I've known him my whole life. It's almost hard to remember life before him. I like it that way.

We've had our really low points, like nearly going bankrupt, losing two babies early in my pregnancy with each of them, Sean having a horrible reaction to medication after surgery that had us (and the doctors) questioning if something was seriously wrong, losing my dad only a year ago. We've never questioned, even once, if our marriage would make it. But there were times when we wondered how we'd get by--financially, emotionally, physically.

We've also had our really great moments--I've given birth to 4 beautiful children, we're in the process of adopting a 5th, Sean has been blessed in business, receiving 4 different promotions at work in just a 5 year time frame! We are now living in a beautiful city that we are growing to love and we are steadily building the life we've always dreamed of. It's been an incredible ride so far!

I say all of this, not to brag by any means, because although we've made mistakes, learned from them, moved on and worked really hard along the way, we deserve none of it. We are humbled DAILY as we look back on the life we've had so far and how bright the future looks.

Instead, I share this all to say--none of it matters. All of our "success" by the world's standards could be gone tomorrow. Sean could lose his job, we could lose our home, our health could fail. We are not promised tomorrow. So in reality, none of it matters. And as far as I'm concerned, with Sean by my side, I can get through anything.

I have an incredible husband. He is hard-working, God fearing, full of integrity. He is smart, he is an amazing dad--he has been actively involved in our kids' lives from day one. He is a leader, a man of character. He reaches out to those around him, aiming to build them up, to encourage them. He believes in the strength he finds in other people, and he never expects more from someone else than he does of himself. He protects me, he values me, he knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, sees all of my sin, yet loves me unconditionally. He is my soul mate, the love of my life, a man for whom I have the utmost respect. He never ceases to amaze me with how he loves me, how he loves our family. He is more than I could've hoped for, everything I dreamed of, and so much more than I could ever deserve.

I made the best decision of my life when I said "yes" 16 years ago, and I do it all again in a heartbeat. I love you to the moon and back, Sean, and I look forward to sharing many more tomorrows with you by my side.

So Many Times...

So many times I've sat down to start this post. So many times I've laid in bed at night, ideas running through my head on what to say, how to say it. And yet now, when I finally sit down to write, they all escape me...

We've had a lot of life changes in the last 6 months, in the last year, really. I honestly don't know how it's been a whole year. My daddy died...a year and 6 days ago. I've lost track of time since then. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. In others, it seems like a lifetime ago. And yet, some days, I have to convince myself he's really gone. I still catch myself preparing to call or text him to share part of my day. I no longer physically reach for the phone, but my mind still starts to think of it.

Grief is a strange thing. You can hear about it, learn about it, read all you can to fully understand how it works. But when it's you, when it's your grief, it's different. It's never what they say it will be. Sure, it follows a basic pattern that experts have dubbed the "cycle of grief", but only in its basic form. And, at least for me, there's not just one trip around that cycle. For me, I believe I've been around it at least 3 times in the last year. And I don't see it stopping anytime soon. I think of it as a grief bicycle. I keep going and going and going.

Don't get me wrong, overall, it's getting easier...overall, I cry less often...overall, it doesn't sting as frequently...overall, I'm finding a new normal and moving on. But there are days...horrible, gut-wrenching days when I don't even want to get out of bed, I don't want to face this reality, I don't want it to be real. There are days when everything is going smoothly and out of nowhere I'm blindsided by wave after wave of grief for absolutely no reason. There are days when it's all I can do to hold it together, to force myself to keep moving, so as not to freak out my kids with the meltdown I feel just beneath the surface.

But there are other days too. Days when I can see something that reminds me of my childhood, of a story my Daddy once told me, of something we once did together...and I can smile. I can be in the moment and think to myself, "Daddy would love seeing this" or "Dad would crack up laughing right now", and truly, thoroughly, bask in the moment, and be happy. There are times when I watch my kids, when I listen to them, and my heart is so happy because I KNOW how proud their Papa would be if he could see them in that moment. And most days, when those moments come, I'm able to tell them just that--and not break down.

We've had a lot of changes in the past year, but especially in the past 6 months. Due to a job promotion, we moved from Oklahoma to South Texas only 6 weeks after finding out. It was also the middle of the school year, so we had a house to sell, new schools to look into, temporary housing to locate in a city we knew nothing about. We had to leave our church home and all of our dear friends, and move to a place where we only knew people Sean worked with. We are now 12 hours or more from our nearest family, except for one aunt and uncle. We finally found a new home after 4 months of being in an apartment, so we've spent the last 2 months moving and getting settled, as well as updating all of our adoption paperwork after the move. And after 5 months, we've finally managed to find a new church home.

We are beginning to find our new normal. We are starting to settle in. And now, as things are finally starting to slow down after this year of changes, I'm finally being forced to deal with all of the emotions that I've crammed down deep inside. I'm finally having to face reality, to go through day to day life with some time to myself once again. And I'm realizing how much of the emotion and grief I've suppressed. It's easy to ignore when your life is chaotic and busy. But once you slow down, when you find time to breathe, it all comes back to the surface and you're forced to deal with it head-on.

So we are working our way to normalcy...or some form of it. I must say, I don't write all of this for you to feel bad for me. I am hurt, I am changed, but I will be fine. And I am truly, utterly blessed. This move has been so good for us in so many ways and it's already beginning to feel like home. And I know one day, the pain won't be as strong, the waves of grief won't wash over me as frequently or with the same intensity. This is my struggle, my issue, and so many others have so much more to deal with than I can even begin to imagine. So please don't feel bad for me.

My purpose in sharing is just to shed light. To show anyone reading this that this is what grief looks like for me. And hopefully, to help someone understand that everyone's grief is different. And everyone's grief is their own--it's a journey only they can take. No one else needs to understand it; no one truly can. There is no right or wrong and as much as psychologists study, they will still never pinpoint exactly what you should feel and when. So if you're struggling today, if you've lost someone, if you're going through a difficult time, please know that what you're feeling is OK. Take as much time as you need to get through it to the other side.

Above all, know that as I walk through this new phase of life and it's unique-to-me challenges, I am praying for you...for all of you that struggle today as I do. I may not know your name, but I know the God who does. So I ask Him to comfort you, to heal you, to give you peace, to bring you to the other side of this struggle stronger than you were before, and closer to Him than you've ever been.