I never thought I'd be a homeschooling mom. In fact, if you'd told me all those years ago this is what my life would look like, I would've promptly laughed at you. I was not that mom. We were not that family. I distinctly remember my daddy encouraging me to look into homeschooling. I politely smiled and nodded--as I did with many ideas he ran by me back then--and then immediately didn't give it another thought.
Now I can't imagine my life any other way. The idea of spending my days watching first hand as my children explore, create, discover and learn...I wouldn't trade it for anything. We don't always get along, we don't have perfect days, and some days, I really wanna throw in the towel. But there are moments. Moments when my daughter gets excited over the number of sight words she's learned, moments when my Little Little finally grasps a concept he's been struggling with, moments when my Middle Little gives me a huge hug and tells me how much he loves "doing school" with me...those are the perfect little moments that make it all worth it.
We are still in the learning phase, trying to figure out what works best for our family, what works best for each child, and putting that all into practice. Sometimes we find our curriculum doesn't work well for us and we pitch it completely and start over. Other times, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we lose all track of time and I narrowly manage to get supper on the table. Aaaaaaand sometimes we go, go, go so much that I'm not sure what day it is! But it works for us.
Homeschooling is not for everyone. It's not even for every child. Our Big Little does not homeschool right now. Maybe that will change someday and maybe it won't. But as long as we work together (with him) to figure out how he learns best and where he learns best--then I'm good with that. Children don't, and shouldn't, fit a cookie cutter mold. God created us unique and individual. We have our own likes, dislikes, passions and fears. When we allow ourselves to think outside the box, to find what works best for each of us, we thrive. It's then that I believe God is best glorified--when we allow ourselves to be molded into who He created us to be.
If you had told me in the beginning of the adoption process that we would be sitting here, nearly 3 YEARS later, still with no child to hold...well, I'm not sure I would've chosen to walk that path. But again, I believe life molds you into who you were created to be--if you let it. God knew, long before I did, how things would work out. While I don't necessarily see the "purpose" yet in losing my daddy when I did, I do know that we wouldn't be where we are today if he were still here. We wouldn't have taken the job in San Antonio, which means we wouldn't have moved. We likely wouldn't have discovered how amazing homeschooling can be--we had only begun to homeschool in the fall before moving here and our first semester was rough. We may not have stayed the course if we'd stayed in Tulsa. Our oldest wouldn't have gotten out of a bad school situation--which means he wouldn't be as excited over school as he is now. We wouldn't have the new friends we've made--friends I couldn't imagine my life without.
I'm fully convinced, with every passing day, that while I don't see the bigger picture God has planned, I KNOW He has my best interests in mind. He knew the time I would need to heal after losing my daddy. He knew I wouldn't be prepared to fully focus on our daughter. He knew I wouldn't be ready to be a new mom again AND homeschool effectively. He knew we wouldn't be able to commit to the amazing opportunity of moving to San Antonio if we'd been in the middle of just being home with our daughter.
I don't like the wait. I'm not a naturally patient person. I don't like the not knowing of it all, having everything up in the air, waiting endlessly for this one file to be ready and the miracle it will take for it to land in our hands and make her officially our own. I don't like answering endless questions on how the adoption is going when we're in a standstill forever, but I also don't like that it's been so long that now the questions have stopped coming. I don't like not being in control.
But that's the beauty of growth. It's not easy. It's not comfortable. It's usually not fun. It's hard. It takes work. But the end result is so much better than we ever dreamed possible. It makes it all worth it. So I can't see the light at the end of the adoption tunnel right now, but I know the One in control of this crazy ride I'm on...and ultimately, I wouldn't have it any other way.
My prayer is that our journey means something...not just to our family, but somehow, to yours. I hope that in seeing our struggle, our wait, our growth, whatever it is you need to see, that above all else, you see Christ in the middle of it all. I pray that our journey would renew your faith, deepen your walk with God, or lead you to find Him for the first time. Not that any of it would be because of what we've done, but because you were able to see all that HE has done in all of this. I cling to this verse on my weakest of days, in my darkest of hours:
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
--Hebrews 11:1
I cannot explain the gratitude we have in knowing you all are with us, walking beside us in this crazy journey called adoption...and life.
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