These are just some of the myriad of feelings I've had this past week. We found out that our names are incorrect on our dossier--well, that Sean's last name is spelled with a space and mine is not--so essentially two different last names for all intents and purposes. And because our passports were spelled with a space (not matching our legal name that DOESN'T include a space), they not only have to be redone, but until they are and we've sent copies of the corrected passports to China, they refuse to proceed at all on our adoption process...
One step forward, ten steps back.
But this has been our entire process to date, so why should I be surprised? Hhhhhhh....
Instead, I'm learning. Learning patience, learning trust, learning to prepare (even more) to be her mama. In my weakest moments, I like to have a pity party and liken myself to Job...because, ya know, we're so similar and all...me with my waiting for a child a few months longer than expected, and him with his family dying, losing all he owns, dealing with severe illness and becoming an outcast. Yeah, we're JUST alike...sheesh. I EXCEL at pity parties, y'all.
The reality is, I'm leaning less on myself and more on God. I'm learning HIS timing is perfect and mine is not. I'm learning that it's more about the journey than the destination...because He is shaping me and molding me to be more like HIM and less like me.
I've always been frustrated when people tell me "well ya know there must be a reason this happened." I don't believe it. And I read a blog post on it just the other day, where the writer explained my sentiments exactly. She shared how she believes what happens is just the reality of living in a broken world, separated from God. It's just our "human experience" as she put it. The IMPORTANT part is how we deal with the journey.
Do we whine? Do we complain? Do we fret and worry and try to handle it in our own strength? Or do we turn to the One who's in control and learn to lean on Him, to trust Him, to be more like Him in our struggle? Are we drawing others closer to Christ in the way we react to the blows life deals? Are we showing others that, while life may deal us a lousy hand, a lousy day, a lousy situation, we will continue to gain strength from the One who can sustain us through it all?
I have been on both sides of the coin. I have allowed things in this process to make me an emotional mess at times. I have cried, yelled, even cursed God in my frustration and pain. But other times, I've allowed Him to fill my heart with the peace that passes understanding. I've let Him calm my soul in a way only He can. I've allowed myself to pour my heart out to a loving Father, to give Him my burdens and pain and heartbreak...and to let Him hold my heart the way ONLY He can. And let me tell you--the latter is the only way to go.
So this song has become my prayer. I hope it blesses you as it has me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wb_WD1emFQ
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4: 6-7
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